How to Overcome Shame
- Shame Journal
- Challenge Negative Thoughts and Beliefs
- Opposite Action Intervention
- Get Support
- Ritual Reprogramming
Resource Alert:
To help you put this strategy into practice, we’ve created a list of questions that help you challenge negative thoughts and beliefs and a self-compassion exercise. Give them a try – it’s designed to support your journey.
10 Questions You Can Ask to Challenge Negative Thoughts and Beliefs
- “Is this belief something I’ve internalized from someone else’s opinion of me?”
- “Am I blaming myself for something that was beyond my control?”
- “How much of my thought is influenced by the abusive behavior I experienced?”
- “What would I say to a loved one who went through a similar experience?”
- “Am I allowing someone else’s criticism to dictate my feelings of self-worth?”
- “Am I applying negative labels to myself that were placed by the abuser?”
- “Is it possible that I’m expecting myself to have acted perfectly in an imperfect situation?”
- “How does this thought serve my healing and growth?”
- “Am I 100% certain about that?”
- “Am I focusing only on the negatives and ignoring the positives?”
Self-Compassionate Letter: Talk to Yourself Like You Would a Friend
Step 1: Reflect on Your Journal Entries
Please begin by reviewing your Shame Journal entries to identify the negative thoughts and beliefs linked to your feelings of shame.
For example, you might see that “I am so stupid. I should have seen the signs of abuse earlier and left” is a recurring negative belief you struggle with.
Step 2: Challenge It
Challenge the negative thoughts or beliefs you identified.
For example, you could ask yourself, “What advice would I give a friend who thought they were stupid for not seeing the signs of abuse earlier and leaving?”
This step is crucial because it helps you reframe your negative thoughts and beliefs into a more compassionate and realistic perspective.
This reframing is the foundation for the third step, writing your self-compassionate letter, where you’ll address these reframed thoughts and beliefs directly to yourself.
Step 3: Start Your Letter
It is time to write a self-compassionate letter.
Please address the letter to yourself and begin by acknowledging the feelings of shame and the associated negative thoughts and beliefs you have identified.
Pro Tip: Keep the letter in a place where you can read it whenever you need a reminder of your commitment to self-compassion.
As you write, you can follow these guidelines:
- Counter the Negative Belief with Compassion:
Challenge and reframe the negative belief with kindness and understanding. - Offer Support and Understanding:
Affirm your strengths, resilience, and positive qualities. - Validate Your Feelings:
Recognize that feeling shame is normal but doesn’t define your worth. - Emphasize Your Growth and Learning:
Acknowledge how you’ve grown or what you’ve learned from your experiences. - Express Hope and Positivity for the Future:
Convey a sense of hope and a positive outlook towards the future. - Commit to Ongoing Self-Compassion:
Commit to continue practicing kindness and understanding towards yourself.
Here’s an example:
“Dear [Your Name],
As I reflect on my thoughts and feelings, I see how harsh I’ve been on myself. I often think, ‘I should have recognized the abuse earlier.’
But today, I want to offer you understanding and kindness. Realizing someone close to being narcissistic is tough. You aren’t to blame for not seeing it immediately.
You were doing the best you could in a complex and hurtful situation. It’s okay to forgive yourself and to recognize your resilience.
You deserve love and respect, and that starts with how you treat yourself. You’re on a path of healing, and each step, even a small one, is valuable.
Moving forward, I commit to treating myself with the same kindness and understanding I would offer others.
Each day, I will remind myself of this commitment and actively practice self-compassion in both my thoughts and actions.”
If you want to build a life free from the effects of narcissistic abuse, we can help you.
