November 11, 2024 at 2:01pm EST

Explaining Narcissism to Others

Hi, it’s Juliana, 

If you need to explain narcissistic abuse to someone who’s never experienced it, try using this example. 

One of our members shared this idea with us. 

She said she’s been using it successfully for the past five years.

We’ve modified it to pass along to you:

Imagine you’re moving heavy boxes into a new apartment. 

You have a friend there who’s supposed to be helping you.

You lift a heavy box and ask, “Could you hold the door for me?”

They respond enthusiastically, “Of course! I’d do anything for you. You’re so important to me!”

But they don’t move to open the door.

A little later, while holding another heavy box, you ask again, “Can you hold the door for me, please?”

They just stand there, watching you struggle.

Confused, you try again: “Can you please help me with the door?”

They sigh and say, “It’s not my fault you can’t manage it on your own.”

You apologize, explaining you just need a little help because your hands are full.

They walk over and hand you a glass of water instead.

Grateful for any gesture, you take the water—but you’re still struggling with the heavy box and the door.

Finally, feeling exhausted, you ask, “Please, could you just push the door open so I can get through?”

They roll their eyes, walk away, and come back a few minutes later as if nothing happened.

Desperate now, you say, “I really need your help! PLEASE just hold the door!”

They explode, “You’re so f*cking ungrateful! Look at everything I’ve done for you!”

The goal of this analogy was to capture the exhausting, confusing dynamics of narcissistic abuse. 

The hard-to-define manipulative cycle of unmet needs that leaves those who experience it feeling isolated and misunderstood.

All the best,

Juliana