How to Start Dating Again After a Narcissistic Relationship

If you’re thinking about dating again after experiencing narcissistic abuse… 

I’m really happy for you.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach this point in your healing journey.

But I’m also a little scared.

Because there’s a chance you could find yourself in another narcissistic relationship.

So, I asked our community:

“If you could go back and give yourself one piece of advice before dating again, what would it be?”

And in today’s episode, I’m going to share 11 of the most valuable responses I received, so you can step into the dating world with the information you need to find a healthy relationship.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

1.) Build a Life You Love Outside of Romance

The first piece of advice is to build a life you love outside of romance.

This means making sure your life already feels full and meaningful before you even think about dating again.

You can do this by focusing on the core of who you are — things like your values, beliefs, passions, and goals — and letting those guide how you spend your time and energy.

The more you understand about who you are as an individual, and how that person fits into the world around you, the better off you’ll be.

Because when dating does come into the picture, it will feel like an addition to a life that’s already good — not life itself.

This will help you date from a place of strength instead of need, and makes you far less likely to settle for someone who isn’t right for you.

2.) Write Down You Green and Red Flags

The second piece of advice is to write down your green and red flags.

Your green flags are signs that someone might be safe.

For example: they respect your boundaries, they take accountability when they make a mistake, and they’re consistent.

Your red flags are signs that someone might not be safe.

Things like moving way too fast early on, shutting down when you express your needs, or making sarcastic or hurtful comments and brushing them off as a joke.

Having this list is important, because both healthy and unhealthy relationships can have intense beginnings that make you feel like you’ve found “the one.”

Outlining your green and red flags can help you stay clear on what matters, so you don’t ignore any red flags or get swept up in the excitement, charm, or intensity of a new connection.

3.) Practice Setting Boundaries and Self-Expression

The third piece of advice is to practice setting boundaries and self-expression before you start dating.

Boundaries are rules that protect your physical, emotional, mental, sexual, or financial health.

For example:

• Not being okay with play fighting in the early stages of a relationship.
• Choosing not to share specific personal details until trust is built.
• Or setting limits on how often you see someone to maintain balance in your life.

Self-expression means sharing what you think, feel, need, or want.

For example:

• “I’m not ready to talk about that yet.”
• “I need some time to myself after work before I meet up.”
• Or “I don’t really enjoy horror movies — could we pick something else?”

Practicing these skills beforehand is important because they’re your number one defense against getting pulled into relationships that aren’t healthy or right for you. 

And the good news is, you don’t have to start big. You can build these skills gradually by practicing in low-stakes situations first, and working your way up. 

For example, one woman we worked with started by going to Costco, just so she could practice saying “yes” or “no” to the free samples they’re always offering. 

Then she just kept upping the ante until she reached a point where she was able to set and maintain healthy boundaries in both low- and high-stakes situations.

4.) Set Non-negotiable Exit Points

The fourth piece of advice is to set non-negotiable exit points.

These are the lines you draw that, once crossed, signal it’s time to cut ties with a person.

They aren’t the same as your green and red flags list.

That list helps you spot the signs that someone may or may not be safe. 

But just seeing a red flag once doesn’t always mean you should run the other way. 

We’re human — people make mistakes, miss social cues, or have off days sometimes.

Exit points are more about spotting patterns. 

You create them by setting a limit for how many times you’ll allow someone to show a certain red flag before you take action.

For example:

• If someone lies to you, that might be your exit point the first time it happens.
• If they’re rude to a service worker, maybe you’d allow that once.
• Or if they cancel at the last minute without a good reason, you might allow that twice.

These limits will be different for everyone, and they may even change over time as you learn more about the person you’re seeing. 

But they’re important because manipulative and abusive people are often very good at presenting themselves as the person you need them to be — but they can’t do it forever. 

At some point the mask will slip. And when it does, your exit points help you act on what you see, instead of getting pulled back in by how they make you feel.

5.) Choose Dating Spaces Intentionally

The fifth piece of advice is to choose dating spaces intentionally.

You want to put yourself in places — whether that’s in person or online — where the chances of finding someone who shares your values are higher.

This could mean choosing apps that focus on serious connections with people who share your religious beliefs, lifestyle, or worldview.

Or it might mean joining groups, clubs, or classes where you’re likely to meet people who care about the same things you do.

Being intentional about where you look helps you avoid situations that waste your time — and makes it far more likely you’ll meet someone who fits the kind of relationship you actually want.

6.) Slow Things Down

The sixth piece of advice is to slow things down.

Give the relationship time to unfold naturally, so you can truly observe the person’s character, their patterns, and how they treat you before getting deeply attached or making major decisions.

Rome wasn’t built in a day — and lasting, healthy relationships aren’t either.

So try not to get swept up in the potential of what it could be. Instead, let the relationship — and the other person — earn their place in your life one step at a time.

7.) Involve Trusted People In Your Dating Process

The seventh piece of advice is to involve trusted people in your dating process.

This could be a friend or family member who has the kind of relationship you want for yourself, or a mental health professional with the training to guide you in the right direction.

The key is to use them as a sounding board for both the good and the bad. 

You might say things like, “They did something really kind — I want to know if I’m seeing this clearly,” or “This happened and it didn’t feel right — what’s your take?”

Having trusted people to turn to can help you stay grounded.

They can offer perspective, help you see things you might be missing, and remind you of your values if emotions start clouding your judgment.

But…

If you don’t have someone you feel safe opening up to, you can click here to sign up for a free one-on-one session with someone from our team.

Helping people whose lives have been affected by narcissistic abuse is what we do 24/7, 365. 

So if you ever need us, we’re here.

8.) Create a Check-In Journal for Dates

The eighth piece of advice is to create a check-in journal for dates.

After each date, take a few minutes to write down what happened and how you felt.

For example:

• Did I feel safe?
• Did I feel respected?
• Did I feel heard?
• Did I feel like I could be myself?
• Did I notice any red flags?
• Did I notice any green flags?
• Or what was the overall vibe of the date?

Keeping this kind of journal helps you stay connected to your own experience.

And over time, it will give you a much better understanding of whether or not the connection is really working for you.

9.) Pay Close Attention to Your Own Behavior Too

The ninth piece of advice is to pay close attention to your own behavior too.

When you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you often develop unhealthy habits to try to earn the narcissist’s approval.

Things like minimizing your needs, invalidating your feelings, or people-pleasing.

But dating isn’t about earning someone’s approval. 

It’s about showing up as your true self and seeing who is — or isn’t — drawn to that.

So just like how the eighth piece of advice encouraged you to check in about how the date went, it’s also a good idea to check in about how you showed up during the date too.

A woman we worked with started doing this by asking three questions:

• Did I express what I really thought or wanted?
• Did I say yes to anything I didn’t actually feel okay with?
• And was I trying to manage their emotions instead of my own?

Asking yourself these kinds of questions can help you stay grounded — and keep you from slipping back into the old habits that once kept your narcissistic relationship alive.

10.) Be Prepared for Rejection or Disappointment

The tenth piece of advice is to be prepared for rejection or disappointment.

It’s easy to take rejection as a sign that you’re not good enough — and to see disappointment as proof that you’ll never find a connection like you had with your ex again.

But really, they’re just signs that this wasn’t the right fit.

If you’re not prepared for them, it can make you question everything — like whether you’re unlovable, too broken, or maybe your ex really was the one after all.

So it’s really important to remind yourself that rejection isn’t personal, disappointment isn’t the end of the world, and to have a plan for how you’ll support yourself if or when it happens.

That plan will look different for everyone, but many of the people we work with have found it helpful to have a short self-care routine and positive reminders like:

• “Not every connection will work out — and that’s okay.”
• “It isn’t personal. It’s a sign the connection wasn’t right for me.”
• Or “This means I’m one step closer to finding the right person.”

11.) Learn How Narcissists Get Access to Your Life

The eleventh piece of advice is to learn how narcissists get access to your life.

There’s a good chance you have something about you that — in healthy relationships — would be a strength, but around narcissistic people, it turns into a weakness.

This isn’t a bad thing.

There isn’t anything wrong with you.

And you don’t need to change who you are.

But you do need to identify what those things are and learn how to protect them.

So in the next episode, I’m going to help you get started by walking you through ten of the most common ways narcissists get access to your life.

Then, in the episode after that, I’ll teach you how to protect yourself from each one.

And I’ll link to them here when they’re posted.

Read Now: 10 Ways Narcissists Get Access to Your Life

Read Now: How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Partners podcast.

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin, your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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