November 6, 2024 at 2:00pm EST

The Fixing Tactic

Hi, it’s Juliana!

One of the most subtle ways narcissists control people is through something I call fixing.

This is when they make you feel like certain parts of who you are—your personality, interests, values, or even habits—are fundamentally flawed. 

Under the guise of “helping” or “improving” you, they subtly impose their preferences, judgments, or expectations onto you. 

For example:

“Being introverted is honestly holding you back. You’d be so much more attractive if you could just be a little more sociable.”

This tactic is so hard to spot because there might be a tiny element of truth in what they’re saying. 

Maybe, in some cases, being more social could benefit you. 

But they’re not trying to support you; they’re trying to change you.

They don’t see you as an individual with thoughts, feelings, and needs. 

Instead, they view you as an extension of themselves, trying to mold you into their “perfect” version.

So, here are five signs you can look for to determine whether or not this “fixing” tactic is being used on you.

I’ve also shared a link to “How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist” by a therapist named Andre O’Donnell.

It’s 100% free and will help you protect yourself from fixing.

5 Internal Signs of a “Fixing”:

Feeling Judged

You start to feel like they’re always judging you, as if you’re not quite good enough or don’t meet their standards.

Doubting Your Choices

You notice yourself second-guessing your decisions as if you need their approval to feel like you’re doing the right thing.

Feeling Like You’re Not Enough

There’s this nagging feeling that you’re not “enough” just as you are. You feel pressure to change or improve in the ways they suggest, like there’s something wrong with you.

Holding Back Your True Self

You stop sharing parts of yourself, like things you’re proud of or struggles you’re going through because you feel they’ll just try to “fix” or criticize you instead of offering support.

Questioning Who You Are

You start doubting parts of yourself—your interests, personality, or values—because it feels like they think these parts of you need to be “fixed” or changed.

I hope you found this helpful. 

Here’s the boundaries resource:

​How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist​

All the best,

Juliana