Rebuilding Trust with Insights from Dr. Yedidya (Didi) Levy

Welcome!

In this course, Dr. Yedidya (Didi) Levy shares his thoughts on rebuilding trust for yourself and others after experiencing narcissistic abuse.

Please watch this clip from our interview with him, then move on to the exercise we’ve created to help you implement his advice into your daily routine.

Pathways to Trust (Writing Activity)

This writing activity is designed to help you put Dr. Yedidya (Didi) Levy’s advice into daily practice.

By working through these questions and reflections, you’ll better understand past betrayals and start to see new relationships in a fresh light.

By revisiting this exercise regularly, you’re taking steps to build trust and approach new connections with a clearer perspective, just as Dr. Levy recommends.

1. Understanding the Betrayal

Part 1: Describe the Situation

Prompt:

Begin by detailing the events that led to feelings of betrayal. This could be specific incidents or a general pattern of behavior over time.
Example:

“Initially, our relationship seemed close and supportive. Over time, however, there were patterns of manipulation and control. The individual would often oscillate between being loving and caring to being cold and dismissive, making me feel constantly on edge.”

Part 2: Emotions and Impact

Prompt:

Reflect on the emotions you experienced during the abuse and after realizing the betrayal. Describe both immediate and long-term feelings.
Example:

“I frequently felt a mix of love and confusion. I couldn’t reconcile the caring gestures with the undermining comments. Over time, I began to doubt my feelings and experiences, constantly questioning whether I was too sensitive or imagining things.”
Prompt:

Narcissistic abuse can have a wide-ranging impact. How did the betrayal influence your self-worth, relationships with others, career, mental health, etc.?
Example:

“I found myself distancing myself from other relationships, unsure of who to trust. My confidence, both socially and professionally, declined, and I constantly sought validation, worried that I was at fault.”

Part 3: Individual Traits and Actions

Prompt:

Describe the narcissist’s characteristics, actions, and patterns that led to the feelings of betrayal.
Example:

“The individual was the center of attention in gatherings, charming and magnetic. In private, however, they would frequently belittle or dismiss my feelings. There was a consistent pattern of making promises only to break them later, always with a justification that blamed external factors or me.”
Prompt:

Narcissists often use specific tactics to maintain control. Did you notice any repeated tactics like gaslighting, triangulation, or projection?
Example:

“Whenever I tried to express my feelings, the narrative would be twisted, making it seem like I was overreacting or even causing the issue in the first place. There were instances where they would pit me against other family members or friends, making me feel isolated and dependent on their version of events.”

2. Introspection and Understanding Blind Spots

Part 1: Personal Patterns and Blind Spots

Prompt:

Reflect on your past relationships, whether familial, romantic, or friendships, and identify any recurring patterns. Are there specific behaviors or scenarios that repeatedly make you feel undervalued or manipulated?
Example:

“I’ve noticed that I often feel the need to ‘prove’ my worth in relationships, leading me to overextend myself, both emotionally and physically, to gain approval.”
Prompt:

Consider any warning signs or “red flags” that you might have overlooked in these relationships. Are there certain behaviors or actions that you brushed aside, rationalized, or excused?
Example:

“I can see that I often dismissed condescending remarks as ‘jokes’ or ‘teasing.’ I also excused broken promises, believing the reasons given, even when patterns of letdown became consistent.”

Part 2: Boundaries and Forgiveness

Prompt:

Reflect on the boundaries that were crossed in the relationship. Can you identify moments where you felt uncomfortable but chose to remain silent or dismiss your feelings?
Example:

“There were times when my personal space was invaded, or my private matters were discussed without my consent. I rationalized it, thinking it was done out of concern or love.”
Prompt:

Consider the actions or behaviors you’ve forgiven in the past. What made you overlook them, and would you respond differently now?
Example:

“I often forgave incidents where my achievements were downplayed or ignored. I believed that they weren’t significant enough or that I was being too sensitive. Now, I recognize the importance of valuing and celebrating my achievements, regardless of external validation.”

Part 3: Self-reflection on Attraction and Tolerance

Prompt:

Dive deep and consider why you might be drawn to certain types of personalities or behaviors. Are there specific needs or desires these relationships seemingly fulfill, even unhealthy ones?
Example:

“I realize that I was seeking validation and acceptance, which made me more tolerant of behaviors where I was intermittently praised and then devalued.”
Prompt:

Reflect on the reasons you might tolerate certain negative behaviors. Do these stem from past experiences, beliefs about relationships, or personal fears?
Example:

“I tolerated being sidelined or ignored because of a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Past experiences, where I felt left out or excluded, might have contributed to my tolerance for such behaviors in the hope of maintaining the relationship at any cost.”

3. Understanding the Betrayer

Part 1: Analyzing Their Behavior

Prompt:

Recall specific instances of manipulation or abuse. Can you identify any patterns or tactics that the narcissist repeatedly employed?
Example:

“There were instances where they would shower affection and praise, only to retract it suddenly. This ‘love bombing’ followed by cold withdrawal kept me constantly seeking their approval.”
Prompt:

Were there moments where the narcissist exhibited vulnerability or genuine emotion? Could these have been manipulative strategies or cracks in their facade?
Example:

“In the midst of heated arguments or when confronted, they would sometimes break down and share stories of past traumas or experiences. It’s challenging to discern if these were moments of genuine vulnerability or just another tactic to divert blame and gain sympathy.”

Part 2: Understanding Their Motivations

Prompt:

Dive deep and try to understand the narcissist’s possible motivations. Were their actions driven by a need for control, validation, or fear?
Example:

“Their constant need to be the center of attention and the jealousy when others achieved something could hint at a deep-seated insecurity or a need for validation.”
Prompt:

Think about their background and any shared history. Were there any factors or experiences that could have contributed to their behavior?
Example:

“Reflecting on their past, I can recall stories of their struggles with self-worth due to childhood neglect or bullying. While this doesn’t excuse their behavior, it provides insight into possible triggers for their narcissistic tendencies.”

Part 3: Differentiating Between the Individual and the Behavior

Prompt:

It’s essential to differentiate between the person and their toxic behavior. Are there qualities or aspects of the narcissist you genuinely appreciated, separate from the abusive patterns?
Example:

“Outside the manipulative tendencies, they had moments of genuine kindness and were often the life of the party, making people laugh. It’s crucial to remember these moments but not let them overshadow the harmful patterns.”
Prompt:

Narcissistic behavior can be pervasive and overshadow other aspects of the individual. Are there instances where you saw them behave differently, either positively or even more negatively, with other people in their life?
Example:

“In some group settings, they would be extremely charming, while in others, especially with individuals they perceived as threats or competitors, their behavior would turn even more derogatory and dismissive.”

4. Moving Forward

Part 1: Rebuilding Trust in Oneself

Prompt:

Reflect on moments when you doubted your feelings or perceptions due to the narcissistic abuse. How can you reaffirm your experiences and trust your intuition in the future?
Example:

“Sometimes I felt something was ‘off,’ but I dismissed my gut feeling. To rebuild trust in myself, I need to journal and regularly revisit my feelings, affirming that my emotions and perceptions are valid.”
Prompt:

Think about personal strengths that you’ve displayed, even in the face of abuse. What are some attributes or actions that make you proud?
Example:

“Despite the emotional turmoil, I managed to support my siblings, excel in my career, or maintain other healthy relationships. This resilience is a testament to my inner strength.”

Part 2: Rebuilding Trust in Others

Prompt:

Consider steps you can take to rebuild trust in others slowly. How can you differentiate between past abusers and new individuals in your life?
Example:

“By setting clear boundaries from the onset and communicating openly about my past, I can gauge reactions and ensure mutual respect in new relationships.”
Prompt:

Think of trusted individuals in your life who have been supportive. What qualities or actions demonstrate genuine trustworthiness?
Example:

“My close friend has always been there, offering a listening ear without judgment. Their support and respect for my boundaries demonstrate trustworthiness.”

Part 3: Setting Boundaries

Prompt:

Reflect on boundaries you wish you had set in past relationships. How can you ensure these are in place in future interactions?
Example:

“I often allowed the narcissist to invade my personal space or make decisions. Moving forward, I’ll express my needs clearly and assertively, ensuring my boundaries are respected.”
Prompt:

Think about ways you can communicate your boundaries. How can you ensure they are respected without feeling guilty or second-guessing yourself?
Example:

“I can practice role-playing scenarios with trusted friends or a therapist. This practice will help me articulate my boundaries confidently and handle potential pushbacks.”

Part 4: Seeking Support

Prompt:

Consider resources or individuals that can offer support as you heal and move forward. This can include therapy, support groups, trusted friends, or literature on narcissistic abuse.
Example:

“Joining a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse has given me a platform to share my experiences, learn from others, and realize I’m not alone in this.”
Prompt:

Reflect on moments when you felt isolated or misunderstood. How can you ensure you have a support system that understands and empathizes with your experiences?
Example:

“During the height of the abuse, I often felt alone and misunderstood. Now, I prioritize maintaining connections with empathetic friends, attending regular therapy sessions, and reading books on healing from narcissistic abuse.”