20 Things That You Shouldn’t Say to a Narcissist

Protecting yourself from a narcissist is tricky. You can’t confront them like you would an emotionally healthy person because, well, they aren’t emotionally healthy. 

This often leaves those experiencing narcissistic abuse asking themselves, “What shouldn’t I say to the narcissist in my life?”

Well, today we are going to guide you through 20 different things that you shouldn’t say to the narcissist in your life so that you can better protect yourself.

1. “You’re so selfish.”

“You’re so selfish,” is the first thing that you shouldn’t say to a narcissist.

Directly accusing the narcissist in your life of being selfish will most likely make them defensive and angry.

This will only lead the interaction that you are having with them towards further conflict rather than resolution.

For example, if you were to tell an emotionally healthy person that they are being selfish, they might respond with, “I’m sorry if I’ve been acting that way. Can you give me an example so I can understand and work on it?”

If you were to tell a narcissist that they are being selfish, they will most likely respond with something along the lines of, “I’m not selfish; I just know what’s best for everyone. You’re just jealous of my success.”

2. “You’re always seeking attention.”

“You’re always seeking attention,” is the second thing that you shouldn’t say to the narcissist in your life.

If you were to point out their attention-seeking behavior, it could feed their need for validation and reinforce their behavior.

But it could also cause a narcissistic injury and throw them into a narcissistic rage. 

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person that they are always seeking attention, they might respond with something like, “I didn’t realize I was coming across that way. I’ll try to be more mindful of my actions.”

If you told a narcissist this, they will most likely respond with something like, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting recognition for my accomplishments.”

This could reinforce their behavior by giving them the opportunity to say something like, “You just can’t handle my greatness.”

Or it could cause a narcissistic injury and throw them into a rage.

3. “You never listen.”

“You never listen,” is the third thing that you should avoid saying to a narcissist.

This is because they will most likely perceive this “accusation” as an attack on their character.

If this were to happen, they would most likely become defensive and less likely to engage in constructive dialogue.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person that they never listen, they might respond with, “I’m sorry if it seems that way. I’ll try to be more attentive and open to other perspectives.”

If you told a narcissist that they never listen, they will most likely respond with something like, “Of course, I listen. You just never have anything worthwhile to say.”

4. “You always think you’re right.”

“You always think you’re right,” is the fourth thing that you shouldn’t say to a narcissist.

The reason for this is because narcissists have a strong need to maintain their sense of superiority.

A statement like this will most likely be taken as an affront to that.

As you can imagine, situations like these cause narcissistic injuries and are almost always followed by a defensive reaction.

For example, if you were to tell an emotionally healthy person, “You always think you’re right,” they might respond with,“I appreciate your feedback. I’ll work on being more open to different opinions and viewpoints.”

If you were to tell a narcissist this, they will respond with something like, “That’s because I usually am right. You just can’t accept that.”

5. “You need help.”

“You need help,” is the fifth thing that you should avoid saying to a narcissist at all costs.

Why?

Well, suggesting that they need help or therapy will most likely be seen as an attack on their self-sufficiency, which almost always causes narcissistic rage, or at the very least, a defensive response.

For example, if you were to tell an emotionally healthy person that they need help, they might respond with something like, “Thank you for your concern. I’ll consider seeking professional help if I feel it’s necessary.”

If you were to tell a narcissist the same thing, you should expect them to respond with something like, “I don’t need help. I’m perfectly fine. It’s everyone else who has a problem.”

6. “You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

“You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” is the sixth thing that you shouldn’t say to the narcissist in your life. 

It is very common for a narcissist to interpret a statement like this as a challenge to their self-image.

You can almost guarantee that they will have a negative/defensive response, further entrenching their problematic behavior.

For example, if you said this to an emotionally healthy person, they could respond with something like, “I apologize if I’ve been coming across as self-centered. I’ll try to be more aware and considerate of others.”

But if you say this to a narcissist, you will most likely be met with a comment like, “That’s not true. I care about people, but I have to look out for myself first.”

7. “You always play the victim.”

“You always play the victim,” is the seventh thing that you shouldn’t say to a narcissist.

If you were to point out the victim mentality of the narcissist in your life, you would most likely cause them to experience a narcissistic injury. 

Remember, narcissists often see themselves as misunderstood or mistreated. 

Pointing something like this would likely trigger denial and defensiveness.

For example, if you were to tell a narcissist that they are always playing the victim, they might respond with something like, “I’m not playing the victim; people are always trying to bring me down because they’re threatened by me.”

If you were to tell an emotionally healthy person something like this, they might respond with something like, “I’m sorry if I’ve been doing that. I’ll work on taking responsibility for my actions and addressing problems directly.”

8. “You never apologize.”

“You never apologize,” is the eighth thing that you shouldn’t tell a narcissist. 

This is because suggesting that they need to apologize for something would highlight their lack of accountability.

Doing this may provoke anger or defensiveness, as they will most likely perceive a comment like this as an attack on their character.

For example, an emotionally healthy person might respond to something like this with, “I apologize if it seems that way. I’ll work on being more accountable for my actions and acknowledging when I’m wrong.”

A narcissist would most likely respond to this with something like, “I don’t need to apologize because I’m rarely wrong. You should be apologizing to me.”

9. “You manipulate people.”

Even though it is true, “you manipulate people,” is the ninth thing that you should avoid saying to the narcissist in your life.

You are going to want to do this because accusing them of manipulation can lead to a negative response.

They will most likely try to gaslight you by denying or justifying their actions, further perpetuating the behavior.

For example, if you told a healthy person that they were manipulative, they might say something like, “I’m sorry if my actions have been manipulative. I’ll strive to be more genuine and honest in my interactions with others.”

While a narcissist might say something like, “I don’t manipulate people; I just know how to get what I want. It’s called being smart.”

10. “You’re so jealous.”

“You’re so jealous,” is the tenth thing that you should avoid saying to the narcissist in your life. 

If you were to mention their jealousy, it could exacerbate their insecurity and provoke hostile reactions.

Why?

Well, they would most likely see it as a challenge to their self-worth.

For example, an emotionally healthy person responds with something like, “I may have been feeling insecure. I’ll work on managing my emotions and focusing on my own growth.”

A narcissist will most likely respond with something like, “I have nothing to be jealous of. People should be jealous of me. You’re just trying to bring me down.”

11. “You’re overreacting.”

“You’re overreacting,” is the eleventh thing that you shouldn’t say to the narcissist in your life. 

If you were to say something like this, you would be minimizing their feelings and can make them feel dismissed or misunderstood.

Even though they do this to others on a regular basis, you don’t want to return the favor because it will most likely lead to further conflict.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person that they are overreacting, they might respond with something like, “I might have let my emotions get the better of me. I’ll try to approach the situation more calmly and rationally.”

But a narcissist will respond with, “I’m not overreacting! You just don’t understand how important this is to me,” then most likely fly into a narcissistic rage.

12. “You’re so controlling.”

“You’re so controlling,” is the twelfth thing that you shouldn’t say to a narcissist.

This is because accusing them of being controlling can cause them to feel threatened.

Why? 

Well, narcissists often rely on maintaining control to preserve their self-image. 

A comment like this could lead to further attempts to assert control or increased hostility.

For example, if you were to tell an emotionally healthy person that they are being too controlling, they might respond with, “I apologize if I’ve been coming across that way. I’ll work on being more flexible and open to others’ input.”

If you were to say this to a narcissist, they would most likely respond with something like, “I’m not controlling; I just know what’s best. If people would listen to me, things would go much smoother.”

13. “You have no empathy.” 

It is true, narcissists lack empathy.

But telling the narcissist in your life that they lack empathy is the thirteenth thing that you shouldn’t say.

This is because pointing this out can make them feel attacked and lead to a defensive response.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person this, they might say something like, “I’m sorry if it seems that way. Can you give me an example of when I didn’t show empathy, so I can better understand and improve?”

If you were to tell a narcissist this, they might say something like, “What are you talking about? I’m a very caring person. You’re the one who doesn’t understand.”

This opens the door for other manipulative tactics like gaslighting, stonewalling, baiting, and many more.

14. “You’re so fake.”

“You’re so fake,” is the fourteenth thing that you don’t want to say to a narcissist.

The reason for this is that accusing them of being inauthentic will threaten their self-image and lead to denial or hostility.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person this, they might say, “I’m sorry if I come across that way. I’ll try to be more genuine in the future.”

But a narcissist would say something like, “I’m not fake, I’m just smarter than everyone else. You’re just jealous.”

15. “Your accomplishments aren’t that impressive.”

“Your accomplishments aren’t that impressive,” is the fifteenth thing that you shouldn’t say to a narcissist.

You never want to downplay their achievements because it will always trigger their insecurities and provoke defensiveness or aggression such as narcissistic rage.

For example, if you were to say this to an emotionally healthy person, they might respond with something like, “That’s okay, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. Everyone has different goals and milestones.”

If you were to say this to a narcissist, they might respond with something like, “You’re just trying to bring me down because you’re threatened by my success.”

16. “You’re not as (blank) as you think.”

“You’re not as special, strong, attractive, etc., as you think” is the sixteenth thing that you shouldn’t say to a narcissist.

This is because narcissists rely on their positive self-perception to suppress all of the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions that they have about themselves.

If you were to challenge this positive self-perception, it would make them feel threatened and result in a hostile response.

For example, if you were to tell an emotionally healthy person this, they might say something like, “Thank you for your opinion. I believe in myself and my abilities, but I also know there’s always room for growth.”

If you were to tell a narcissist this, they would most likely respond with something like “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m clearly superior to others” and go into a rage.

17. “You take everything too personally.”

“You take everything too personally,” is the seventeenth thing that you wouldn’t want to say to a narcissist.

This is because a statement like this could be perceived as a dismissal of their feelings.

This would most likely lead to increased frustration and conflict.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person this, they might respond with something like, “I appreciate your feedback. I’ll try to be more mindful of my reactions in the future.”

But a narcissist is going to respond with something like, “You’re just trying to upset me. You always attack me for no reason.”

18. “You’re always blaming others.”

“You’re always blaming others,” is the eighteenth thing that you shouldn’t say to a narcissist.

This is because pointing out their tendency to deflect responsibility can cause them to become defensive and deny their actions.

This could lead to them gaslighting you into believing that you are the one who is always blaming others.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person that they have a tendency to blame others, they might say, “I’m sorry if I’ve been doing that. I’ll try to take more responsibility for my actions and learn from my mistakes.”

But a narcissist is most likely going to say, “I’m not blaming anyone; people are just always causing problems for me. Maybe you should take a hard look in the mirror.”

19. “You’re exhausting to be around.”

“You’re exhausting to be around,” is probably one of the most honest things that you could say to the narcissist in your life.

But it is also the nineteenth thing that you shouldn’t say to them.

If you were to tell them that they’re draining, you would most likely cause feelings of rejection and this could lead to a negative reaction such as rage.

They could also find a way to flip this around and use it against you.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person that they are exhausting to be around, they might say something like, “I’m sorry if I’ve been draining. I’ll work on being more aware of my behavior and how it affects others.”

If you told a narcissist this, they might gaslight you by saying something like, “You’re just too weak to handle someone as amazing as me.”

20. “You always make it about you.”

“You always make it about you,” is the twentieth thing that you shouldn’t say to the narcissist in your life. 

If you were to point out their self-centeredness, it would most likely cause them to become even more defensive and selfish.

For example, if you told an emotionally healthy person that they always make it about themselves, they might say, “I apologize if I’ve been doing that. I’ll try to be more aware and focus on others more.”

If you were to say this to a narcissist, they would say something like, “I don’t make everything about me; people just don’t understand how important my experiences are.”

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

You have to be careful when communicating with a narcissist. 

As a general rule, restraining yourself from engaging in a meaningful interaction with the narcissist in your life is the best defense. 

In our article, “How to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist (6 Strategies)“ you can learn more about this.