How to Express Love If You Were Raised By a Narcissist

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent and feel uncomfortable expressing love — like saying “I love you,” showing affection, or being vulnerable with someone you care about — you’re in the right place.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through a three-step framework a woman we’re working with is using to feel more comfortable expressing love, so you can use it too.

You’ll learn what to do, how to do it, and Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, a licensed clinical psychologist with 15 years of experience, will explain why this framework works.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

Step 1: Identifying the Origin

The first step of this framework is identifying the origin. 

This means looking at past experiences that made you feel loved — and examining how those moments shaped your beliefs about what it means to express love today. 

To do this, grab something to write or type with, and answer the following prompt: 

“What are some moments from your childhood that made you feel loved?” 

Once you’ve written down a few, go through each one and answer the following questions:

1. Why did this moment make you feel loved?
2. What did it teach you about love?

According to Dr. Noëlle:

This first step is important because if you don’t know where that discomfort comes from, it’s nearly impossible to know how to work through it.

Step 2: Redefining What It Means to Express Love

The second step of this framework is redefining what it means to express love.

In our experience, the most effective way to do this is to start by looking at what you learned in the first step — and then writing down what the opposite of that would be.

For example, the woman we’re working with realized that her mom would often express love — like saying “I love you” or giving a hug — right after being abusive.

This taught her that expressing love was dangerous, painful, and confusing. So, we decided the opposite would be something safe, comforting, clear, and supportive.

Then, she took this a step further by researching healthy examples of love — and using what she learned to finish creating her new definition, which is:

“Expressing love means creating a connection that feels safe, offers comfort, is easy to understand, and supports the other person emotionally.”

The resources she used to do this were:

–  The book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

– TED Talks about love and healthy relationships

– And talking about love in her sessions with one of our mental health professionals

Dr. Noëlle says:

This second step is important because redefining what expressing love means gives you a new foundation to work from — one that supports the kind of relationships you want to have moving forward.

But before we move on to the third step, I have a gift for you.

If you’ve been feeling stuck or unsure what to do about expressing love— learning how is possible; it just looks different for everyone.

So, if you want specific help with your situation, we offer free one-on-one sessions seven days a week that you can sign up for anytime.

Worst-case, you’ll walk away with a better understanding of how you can overcome the challenges you’re currently facing. 

Best case, we’ll match you with a mental health professional from our team who specializes in narcissistic abuse and can help you heal and move forward with your life.

You can learn more by clicking here, but for now, let’s move on to the third step:

Step 3: Experimenting with New Ways of Expressing Love

By “new,” I mean different from how your narcissistic parent expressed love — because even though you’ve redefined it, using the same forms of expression can still feel triggering.

For example, instead of saying “I love you,” you could try:

– “I’m really glad you’re in my life.”
– “You mean a lot to me.”
–  or “I really appreciate you.”

And instead of physical affection, you could:

– Spend quality time with them
– Write a thoughtful note
– or give a small, meaningful gift

If you’re not sure how to come up with new ways to express love, tools like Gemini or ChatGPT can help you brainstorm.

The prompt the woman we’re working with used was:

“Give me a list of practical ways I can express love without [insert the way your parent expressed love that now feels uncomfortable].”

For example:

“Give me a list of practical ways I can express love without saying ‘I love you.’”

You can use this same prompt to generate your own ideas. 

And once you have your list, just start trying different approaches until you find what feels authentic and emotionally safe for you.

Dr. Noëlle says:

This third step is important because real change happens through action. Identifying and redefining what it means to express love gives you a solid foundation — but experimenting with new ways of expressing it is how you overcome the discomfort long-term.

Final Thoughts

One thing you should know is that for many adult children of narcissistic parents, redefining how we express love is only half the battle.

This is because we often cope with the discomfort of expressing love by self-sabotaging.

For example, we might pull away when someone tries to get close, shut down when we start to feel vulnerable, or even pick a fight with our loved ones.

If you can relate to this at all, I’ll be sharing a two-step framework a woman we’re working with used to overcome her self-sabotaging tendencies in the next episode.

And I’ll link it below as soon as it’s posted.

Read Now: How to Stop Self-Sabotage If You Were Raised By a Narcissist

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Families podcast. 

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin, your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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