How to Stop Self-Sabotage If You Were Raised By a Narcissist

If you grew up in a narcissistic family and struggle with self-sabotage, you’re in the right place.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through a two-step framework a woman we’re working with used to overcome her self-sabotaging tendencies—so you can use it too.

You’ll learn what to do, how to do it, and Jennifer Parrella, a licensed professional counselor with 21 years of experience, will explain why this framework works.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

Step 1: Track the Self-Sabotage

The first step of this framework is to track the self-sabotage.

This means paying attention to when it shows up, how it shows up, and why it shows up.

To do this, try keeping a daily log with three sections: When, How, and Why.

In the when section, write about the situation you were in — things like where you were, who was involved, and what was said or done.

In the how section, write what you did or felt the urge to do.

For example, maybe you didn’t speak up for yourself.

Maybe you picked a fight with someone.

Or maybe you gave up on something at the last minute.

If you’re ever unsure whether or not something counts as self-sabotage, try asking yourself the following question:

“Is this moving me closer to or further from what I actually want?”

If the answer is “further,” it’s probably a form of self-sabotage.

In the why section, write down what triggered the self-sabotage — or the urge to do it.

For example, this could be:

1.) Needing something, because expressing your needs was never allowed

2.) Feeling hope, because every time you got your hopes up, you were let down

3.) Making progress, because success was often met with punishment

4.) Being seen, because visibility used to mean becoming a target

5.) Receiving kindness or praise, because it often came with strings attached

6.) Taking up space, because growing up, you were never allowed to

According to Jennifer:

This first step is important because you can’t interrupt or change a pattern you don’t fully understand. 

Self-sabotage is often automatic — it happens so quickly and unconsciously that you may not even recognize it as sabotage in the moment. 

So, tracking the when, how, and why creates the space, clarity, and awareness needed for the second part of this framework.

Step 2: Catch and Change

The second step of this framework is to catch and change

This means going back to the “why” section of your log, studying your triggers, and making a conscious effort moving forward to catch the self-sabotage before you act on it and change your response by doing something slightly different than you normally would.

For example…

If you catch yourself shutting down in a conversation, you might focus on staying present, making eye contact, or nodding to show you’re engaged, instead of completely withdrawing.

Jennifer says:

This second step is important because it’s where awareness turns into action.

The first step — tracking the pattern — helps you understand what’s happening and why.

But this second step teaches you how to respond differently.

In the beginning, these small changes might not seem like much— but when they’re repeated consistently, they create real, lasting change in every single aspect of your life.

But to be completely honest, this second step can be hard.

Because it asks you to do something different in the exact moment your brain is trying to protect you by doing what it’s always done to feel safe — self-sabotaging.

One thing that helped the woman we’re working with through this step was identifying her common triggers and coming up with one small way she could respond differently to each one.

For example, if she’d normally minimize or downplay a compliment, the alternative response she’d write down might be something like: “Just say ‘thank you’ — and leave it at that.”

Then she memorized a few of those new responses, so when self-sabotage crept in, she didn’t have to think — the healthier response was already there, ready to use.

You can try doing the same thing by asking yourself:

“What’s one small thing I could do instead, the next time this trigger shows up?”

Write down as many ideas as you can.

Then memorize the ones that feel like they’d be most effective for you.

Final Thoughts

Now, as powerful as this process is, using it without healing the part of you that learned to self-sabotage is like putting a bandage on a wound that really needed stitches.

So in the next episode, I’ll walk you through a complete guide to reparenting — so you can start healing the root cause of your self-sabotaging tendencies, not just the symptoms.

And I’ll link to it below as soon as it’s posted.

Read Now: How to Reparent Yourself After Being Raised By a Narcissist

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Families podcast.

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin, your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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