If Your Narcissistic Parent Gave You a Nickname, Do This

Did your parent give you a dehumanizing nickname?

In our community, people were called fatso, useless, stupid.

Along with a bunch of racist, ableist, homophobic, and misogynistic slurs.

The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” never applied here because many of us grew up believing these names were part of who we are.

And that belief shaped almost everything in our lives, from the careers we thought we could have to the people we allowed ourselves to love.

So, in this episode I’ll show you how to bring that nickname into the open, expose the belief system underneath it, and separate it from your identity so it no longer controls how you see yourself or the choices you make.

Step 1: Write the Nickname

The first step is to write the nickname.

You can do this on a piece of paper or in the notes app on your phone — both work just fine.

But make sure you write it exactly as they said it.

Step 2: Define the Nickname

The second step is to define the nickname.

This means writing down what it made you believe.

You can do this by answering:

“When I hear this nickname, what do I believe is wrong with me?”

It’s an important step because sometimes these nicknames don’t have a clear meaning.

Yes, “Dummy” points to your intelligence — but when it’s used constantly, and in so many different situations, you eventually stop being sure what it even means.

And when the meaning isn’t clear, it’s hard to separate their words from your identity because you don’t actually know what needs to be separated.

Step 3: Explain Why It Feels True

The third step is to explain why it feels true.

This means writing down everything you can think of that validates the nickname.

For example, the nickname the woman we worked with had was “Miss Piggy.”

It felt true because she had an eating disorder, her doctors regularly told her she was overweight, and growing up, her mom used to:

• oink at her during meals
• laugh any time she asked for food
• make jokes about her body in front of relatives
• and tell her that her clothes made her look “too big”

Getting all of this written down was important because the damage isn’t in the actual nickname.

It’s in the beliefs that nickname created.

And when she could name those beliefs and understand why they felt true, it helped get them out of her head and into the open where she could finally start to challenge them.

Step 4: Challenge the Nickname

The fourth step is to challenge the nickname.

This means finding ways to push back against the name and its underlying message.

There are a million different ways you can do this.

But there are also a lot of things that need to be addressed for this step to really work.

For example, the woman we’re working with made a huge effort to lose weight and started eating in front of people much more often.

Because of this, she began to feel more in control, more confident, and less ashamed.

And she noticed that people didn’t find the way she ate disgusting, sloppy, piggish or any of the other cruel things her mom used to call it.

But to get here, she had to work through things like:

• the voice in her head that repeated her mom’s insults
• the belief that she’d never be “enough”
• the fear that people were secretly judging her 
• the habit of shrinking herself or apologizing for taking up space
• the guilt she felt just for eating in front of others

So, it’s a really good idea to work with a mental health professional who specializes in narcissistic abuse and can help guide you through this stage of your healing.

Step 5: Create an Evidence File

The fifth step is to create an evidence file.

An evidence file is a place where you collect anything that proves the nickname wrong.

This can include things like:

• A photo where you actually like how you look
• A boundary you set with your narcissistic parent
• A list of things you’ve done lately that would’ve scared the old you
• Positive feedback from someone at work
• How you got through a tough day without falling apart

Then — keep this evidence file close.

That might mean writing it on a card you keep in your pocket, saving it in the Notes app on your phone, or even taking a screenshot and setting it as your lock screen.

But keeping it close is important because you haven’t heard the last of this nickname yet.

Right now, you’re driving down the road toward a place called healing and every once in a while, you’ll pass a big billboard with that nickname on it.

• Maybe it’s your parent saying it again.
• Maybe it’s something that reminds you of it.
• Or maybe it’s just your own mind bringing it up out of nowhere.

And for a second, you’ll get distracted.

Instead of keeping your eyes on the road, you’ll look at the billboard and slowly start to drift.

That evidence file is like the white lines on the side of the road that rumble when you get too close to the edge.

It’s there to nudge you back in the right direction.

Final Thoughts

The process we walked through today is a great approach to separating a hurtful nickname from your identity.

But it’s not a complete solution.

It won’t erase all the hurt or resolve all the trauma that comes with having a narcissistic parent.

To do that, you’ll have to address areas like:

• Self-protection
• Emotional development
• Identity development
• Cognitive skills
• Moral development
• Life skills
• Social skills
• Connection

This is called reparenting — and this episode will walk you through exactly how to do it.

Read Now: How to Reparent Yourself After Being Raised By a Narcissist

Thank you for reading today’s episode the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Families podcast.

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin — your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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