How to Overcome Setbacks In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

If you’re in the middle of a setback while healing from narcissistic abuse, you’re in the right place.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through a five-step framework a woman we’re working with uses to bounce back after she experiences a setback so you can use it too. 

You’ll learn what to do, how to do it, and Jennifer Parrella, a licensed professional counselor with 21 years of experience, will explain why this framework works.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

Step 1: Regulate Your Emotions

The first step is to regulate your emotions.

This means bringing intense feelings back into a more stable and manageable range.

There are many different ways to do this, such as:

• Exercising
• Journaling
• Deep breathing
• Talking to someone you trust
• Or engaging in one of your hobbies

My personal favorite is journaling, because it helps me calm down and think more clearly. When I write things out, I stop spiraling and start understanding what’s really going on. 

But, like all emotional regulation techniques, it’s not for everyone — so if you try one and don’t feel regulated right away, don’t worry, it’s completely normal.

This takes practice, and depending on how intense your emotions are, it might take some time to feel a shift. So, keep exploring different techniques until you find what works best for you.

According to Jennifer:

This first step is important because when you’re in a setback, your system often goes into survival mode.

In that state, your brain isn’t wired for reflection or problem-solving.

It’s just trying to cope or escape. 

So emotional regulation has to come first because it creates a calm, stable baseline, allowing your thinking brain to come back online.

Step 2: Reframe Your Thoughts

The second step of this framework is to reframe your thoughts.

This means identifying distorted thoughts and replacing them with more accurate thoughts.

One of the easiest ways to do this on your own is by using a thought log.

To do this, draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper.

• On the left, write the distorted thought.
• And on the right, write a more accurate version.

For example, let’s say your setback is responding to a hoovering attempt.

A distorted thought you might have is:

“I’m so weak.”

But a more accurate version of this could be:

“It makes sense I fell for the hoovering — it’s a normal part of healing from narcissistic abuse. They know exactly which buttons to push, and part of me still hopes they’ll change.”

Now, this reframing process is much easier said than done.

So, if you’re having a hard time with this step, here are some things you can try:

1.) Replace extreme or absolute words like “always,” “never,” “everything,” or “nothing” with more flexible ones like “sometimes,” “occasionally,” or “in this situation.”

2.) Ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend thinking this?” to shift your tone from harsh or critical to something more kind and realistic.

3.) Look for actual evidence that supports or contradicts the thought to ground your perspective in facts rather than fear or emotion.

4.) Talk to a mental health professional who can help you explore the deeper roots of the thought and work with you to reframe it in a way that feels safe and true.

5.) Open up Gemini or ChatGPT and use the following prompt:

“I’m healing from narcissistic abuse. I [insert setback here]. The distorted thought I’m having is [insert thought here]. Can you please help me reframe it into a more accurate version?”

For example:

“I’m healing from narcissistic abuse. I responded to my ex’s hoovering. The distorted thought I’m having is: ‘I’m so weak.’ Can you please help me reframe it into a more accurate version?”

Jennifer says:

This second step is important because setbacks often trigger distorted thoughts — like “I’m never going to heal from this” or “Maybe it wasn’t even abuse.” 

If those thoughts go unchallenged, they can wrap around you like a rope and pull you deeper into the setback. 

So, once you’ve brought your thinking brain back online through emotional regulation (the first step), reframing will help you cut that rope so you can begin to move forward.

Step 3: Restore a Sense of Safety

The third step of this framework is to restore a sense of safety.

This means intentionally reconnecting with people, places, or practices that help you feel grounded and secure — not just in your mind, but in your body too.

For some people, this might mean sitting with a trusted friend, wrapping up in a weighted blanket, journaling, or spending time in the garden. 

For others, it might mean lighting a candle, getting some exercise, or playing soft music.

There’s no one right way to do this.

It’s all about finding what feels most supportive for you.

Jennifer says:

This third step is essential because even after you’ve regulated your emotions and reframed your thoughts (the first and second step), your body might still be on high alert. 

So, restoring a sense of safety tells your system that you’re not in danger anymore. And this makes it easier to stay grounded, present, and connected to your healing as you move forward.

Step 4: Explore What Happened

The fourth step of this framework is to explore what happened.

This means looking at what led to the setback, so you can understand why it happened — not to judge yourself, but to learn from it.

To do this, the woman we’re working with uses a “What-Why” reflection.

Here’s how it works:

In the what section, write down what actually happened.

Include things like who was involved, what was said or done, where you were — anything that helps paint a clear picture of the situation.

In the why section, write about why you think you reacted the way you did.

If you’re not sure, asking yourself the following questions can help:

– What was I expecting or needing that I didn’t get?
– How did this situation affect me emotionally?
– Did this remind me of something from the past?
– Was a fear or vulnerability triggered?

Jennifer says:

This fourth step is important because a setback can feel confusing, frustrating, or even shameful. But if you slow down and really look at what happened, it usually makes sense.

There’s always a reason behind the reaction — and identifying that reason gives you the information you need to help prevent it from happening again.

Step 5: Adjust and Move Forward

The fifth step of this framework is to adjust and move forward.

This means taking the insights you gained in the fourth step and using them to set boundaries — either internal or external — that make future setbacks less likely.

For example, if you had a setback because you saw one of their posts on social media, you might set a boundary by unfollowing, muting, or blocking them.

Or if the setback happened because you ran into them somewhere you used to go together — like the grocery store — you could try switching to a different store for a while.

There are an endless number of boundaries you could set.

The key is to find the ones that feel realistic, effective, supportive, and safe — and then practicing them as consistently as you can.

Jennifer says:

This fifth step is important because it’s where you turn the insight you’ve gained from the first four steps of this framework into action.

And when you know what actions to take after a setback, they stop feeling like the end of your progress — and start becoming part of it.

Final Thoughts

I couldn’t agree more with Jennifer’s thoughts, but, I know from personal experience that experiencing a setback can leave you feeling like you can’t trust yourself anymore.

And this lack of self-trust can make it really hard to bounce back.

So in the next episode, I’ll walk you through a simple two-step framework a woman we’re working with used to rebuild her self-trust — so you can use it too.

And I’ll link to it below as soon as it’s posted.

Read Now: How to Build Self-Trust After Narcissistic Abuse

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse podcast. 

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin, your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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