How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist (6 Steps)

A common question among people trying to protect themselves from narcissistic abuse is, “How do I set boundaries with a narcissist?” It is a great question because boundaries are important in any relationship.

To set a boundary with a narcissist, you need to:

1. Identify your boundaries.
2. Define your boundaries.
3. Communicate your boundaries.
4. Prepare for resistance.
5. Enforce your boundaries.
6. Regularly re-evaluate your boundaries. 

In this article, I will guide you through each of these steps and give you helpful resources that you can use to complete them.

1.) Identify Your Boundaries

The first step to setting boundaries with a narcissist is identifying your boundaries.

You might be thinking, “What exactly do you mean by boundaries?”

If so, the term “boundaries” refers to limits you can set on what you will accept from another person’s words or actions. 

In their simplest forms, boundaries are supposed to be easy to set and maintain because they are verbal rules you can set with someone else.

1. “Please, no interruptions from 7 pm to 8 pm. That’s my quiet time.”
2. “If the insults continue, I’m stepping away from the conversation.”
3. “Let’s not discuss my relationships, okay?”

In their most complex form, boundaries are more difficult to set and maintain because they are nonverbal rules often tailored to who you are.

For example: 

1. Moving away when abusive behavior begins, showing intolerance.
2. Responding minimally to provocations, indicating non-participation.
3. Maintaining neutral expressions, signaling resistance to emotional manipulation.

Generally speaking, identifying your boundaries requires you to do two things.

First, practice self-awareness. This means focusing on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don’t align with your internal standards.

Second, engage in self-reflection. This means setting aside time to think deeply and evaluate your thoughts, attitudes, motivations, and desires.

Here are some questions that you can ask yourself to get started:

1. What behaviors make me uncomfortable or stressed? 
2. What values are most important to me? 
3. How much physical and emotional closeness am I comfortable with?
4. What are my needs in terms of personal space and time?
5. What topics am I not willing to discuss with others?
6. How do I want to be spoken to?
7. What behaviors will I not tolerate?
8. How much energy am I willing to invest in others?

2.) Define Your Boundaries Clearly

After you’ve identified your boundaries, the next step is to define them.

The difference between identifying your boundaries (the first step) and defining your boundaries is that identifying them involves introspection and self-awareness.

It’s about recognizing your thoughts, feelings, emotions, needs, and comfort levels. 

Identifying your boundaries is the process of determining what you find acceptable and unacceptable in people’s behaviors toward you.

Defining your boundaries is the process of turning your identified boundaries into explicit rules or guidelines for others.

It means clearly stating what you are okay with and what you are not, and what the consequences will be if these boundaries are crossed.

For example, imagine you’ve identified feeling stressed and overwhelmed when you don’t have time for yourself.

You could turn this into a defined boundary by deciding that you need one hour of quiet, alone time every evening to unwind and that you won’t be available for any conversations or activities during this time.

Does this make sense? I hope that it does. 

In essence, identifying personal boundaries is about understanding your needs and discomforts, while defining boundaries is about explicitly stating what others can or can’t do based on those needs and discomforts. 

3.) Communicate Your Boundaries

Okay, now that you’ve identified and defined your boundaries, the next step is to communicate them with the people in your life.

In a healthy environment, you are given the time, space, and support you need to feel comfortable setting boundaries. 

In narcissistic environments, you aren’t. Because of this, you should expect the narcissist in your life to push back against your boundaries. 

We will discuss this more in-depth in the next section of this article.

Here are some examples of boundaries that you can communicate with a narcissist.

1.) “We need to listen to each other when we talk. Please don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking.”

2.) “To keep a good balance, I don’t take work calls or emails after 6 pm. I’m sure you understand and will respect this.”

3.) “Please knock before you come into my room.”

4.) “We should make big decisions together. That way, we both have a say and feel heard.”

5.) “Our chats should be private. If you can’t keep them that way, I may not share personal stuff with you anymore.”

4.) Prepare for Resistance

Now that you’ve identified, defined, and communicated your boundaries, it is time to prepare for resistance. 

When creating this content for you, I try to avoid absolutes. But I can almost guarantee that the narcissist in your life will not respect your boundaries.

Suggested Reading: 7 Ways Narcissists Respond to the Boundaries That You Set

This is because narcissists don’t view others as individuals with thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs.

They view us as sources of narcissistic supply that they’re entitled to having complete power and control over for as long as they see fit.

The second you stop being a source of supply for the narcissist in your life, they will get really upset.

This is because of their low emotional intelligence.

You see, despite their grandiose public persona, narcissists typically struggle with many painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions deep down.

I’m talking about powerful ones, such as feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, worthless, weak, and inadequate. 

But because of their upbringing, a belief that many therapists have, narcissists, lack the emotional intelligence required to manage these thoughts, feelings, and emotions through healthy forms of emotional regulation.

Suggested Reading: How Are Narcissists Made?

So they use narcissistic supply (i.e., validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control) to suppress their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions to construct a positive self-perception. 

So when you set a boundary with them, it triggers their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions because you are no longer giving them supply. 

When this happens, they will want to regain the supply as quickly as possible, so you should be prepared for them to push back on and cross your boundaries.

5.) Enforce Your Boundaries

The fifth step in this boundary-setting process is to enforce your boundaries. Now, this step is going to look different for everyone. 

Again, it is highly unlikely that the narcissist in your life will respect, tolerate, let alone acknowledge, the boundaries you set.

So simply restating your boundaries to enforce them will most likely not work.

So, when the narcissist in your life repeatedly crosses your boundaries, you should try to limit your meaningful interactions with them.

What I mean by this is restraining yourself from engaging in any interaction that gives them access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs. 

For example, imagine that a boundary you’ve set with the narcissist in your life is that you aren’t discussing your career with them because they always find a way to invalidate it.

If they were to say something like, “Hey, how is your job going?”

This would be considered the start of a meaningful interaction, and you should use a technique like the J.A.D.E. technique or Yellow Rock Method to avoid it.

Suggested Reading: How to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist (6 Strategies)

By using these techniques (you can learn more about them in the suggested reading I just listed), you can enforce your boundaries by limiting the number of meaningful interactions you have with the narcissist in your life. 

6.) Re-Evaluate Your Boundaries Regularly

The sixth step is to re-evaluate your boundaries regularly.

This is important because boundaries aren’t set in stone; they may need to change as your relationship with the narcissist or your needs change. 

Because of this, you should regularly reflect on whether your boundaries are still effective and whether they’re being respected. 

Doing this will help you adjust them when necessary and communicate any changes clearly to the people in your life.

Here are some guidelines that might help:

1. Schedule Regular Reviews
   • Set a specific time period (monthly, quarterly, etc.) to review your boundaries.
2. Reflect on Feelings
   • Pay attention to feelings of stress or discomfort, as these might indicate boundary violations.
3. Assess Interactions
   • Look at recent interactions to identify if your boundaries were respected.
4. Identify Changes in Needs
   • Understand if your needs or comfort levels have changed over time.
5. Consider Others’ Feedback
   • Take into account feedback from others while staying true to your own needs.
6. Examine Your Relationships
   • Evaluate the health and balance of your relationships.
7. Seek Outside Perspectives
   • Consult a trusted friend or professional for objective insights.
8. Be Flexible
   • It’s okay to adjust boundaries as you grow and your needs change.

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

Setting boundaries with a narcissist is hard. But by following the steps I’ve outlined in this article, you can begin protecting your well-being from the narcissist in your life and healing. Thank you for reading this article!