How to Truly Let Go of Your Narcissistic Ex

If you’re struggling to let go of your narcissistic ex, you’re in the right place.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through a four-step framework that helped a woman we’re working with let go of her ex, so you can use it too.

You’ll learn what to do, how to do it, and Jennifer Parrella, a therapist with 21 years of experience, will explain why this framework works.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

Step 1: Write About Why You’d Want Your Ex In Your Life

The first step of this framework is to write about why you would want your ex in your life.

To do this, set a timer for 10 to 15 minutes, and write as much as you can.

If you’re not sure where to start, try exploring things like:

• What you miss about them
• The positive impact they had on your life
• What you feel the relationship gives you
• Or why letting go is so hard.

Now, doing this will likely bring up painful or confusing emotions. 

But, according to Jennifer:

This first step is important because narcissistic abuse is often so subtle and manipulative that the relationship as a whole may not feel abusive.

So, it’s normal to have positive memories and valid reasons for wanting them in your life. But you have to acknowledge them — because you can’t release what you can’t see.

And if you skip this step, you may find yourself stuck in a cycle of wanting to let go, but feeling like you don’t have a good enough reason to do it.

In a perfect world, you’d have a mental health professional guide you through this process.

But if that’s not possible right now, go slow, pause when needed, and have a couple of emotional regulation tools ready — just in case you start to feel overwhelmed.

If you’re not sure what that means, emotional regulation is the process of bringing intense emotions like anger, sadness, or jealousy back into a more stable and manageable range.

There are many different techniques you can use to do this, such as:

• Exercising
• Journaling
• Deep breathing
• Talking to someone you trust
• Or engaging in one of your hobbies

And it’s completely normal if you aren’t able to regulate straight away. 

It takes practice, and depending on how intense your emotions are, it might take some time to feel a shift. So, keep exploring different strategies until you find what works best for you.

Step 2: Create a List of the Specific Reasons

Review what you wrote in the first step and create a bullet point list of the specific reasons you’d want them in your life.

For example, the woman we’re working with had a list with things like:

• “He made me feel less lonely.”
• “The relationship gave me a sense of purpose”
• And “He made me feel like I finally mattered to someone”

Jennifer says:

This second step is important because a common mistake people make is trying to let go without fully understanding what they’re holding onto. 

If you can’t see what you’re holding onto, your brain will continue looking for it in your ex. 

But once you identify what’s going on, you stop seeing your ex as the only source of whatever it is you’re holding onto—which makes it possible to find healthier, more sustainable options.

But before we move on to the third step, I have a gift for you.

If you’ve been feeling stuck or unsure what to do about letting go of your narcissistic ex, I promise it’s possible; the process just looks a little different for everyone.

So, if you want specific help with your situation, we offer free one-on-one sessions seven days a week that you can sign up for anytime.

Worst-case, you’ll walk away with a better understanding of how you can overcome the challenges you’re currently facing. 

Best case, we’ll match you with a mental health professional from our team who specializes in narcissistic abuse and can help you heal and move forward with your life.

You can learn more by clicking here, but for now, let’s move on to the third step of this framework.

Step 3: Rename Each Reason As a Skill You Can Build

This means looking at each reason from the list you made in the second step, and identifying a practical skill you can build to give yourself whatever you’re missing.

For example: instead of “He made me feel less lonely,” the woman we’re working with noticed this meant she was relying on him for connection and comfort when she was alone.

So the skill she wrote was: 

“I want to learn how to feel secure, comfortable, and safe when I’m alone.” 

But this didn’t come to her overnight.

It took time and a lot of patience to figure out.

So if you’re staring at your list and feeling stuck, that’s okay.

It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong — it just means you’re in the healing process.

Here’s a prompt that can help you move through this step:

“If I couldn’t get this from them anymore, what would I need to do to meet this need by myself or to pursue it in a healthier way?”

Then start your responses with things like:

• “I would need to learn how to…”
• “I would need to get better at…”
• “I would need to figure out…”

Jennifer says:

This third step is important because, in this context, when you frame something as a need, it encourages you to look externally — often toward the very person who hurt you. 

But when you frame it as a skill, it encourages you to look internally, which is key to just about every aspect of healing from narcissistic abuse.

This is because when you look internally, you consciously or subconsciously stop waiting for someone else to save you, and start building the tools needed to save yourself.

Step 4: Start Building That Skill

The fourth step of this framework is to start building that skill. 

For example, I mentioned the woman we’re working with realized the skill she needed was learning how to feel more secure, comfortable, and safe when she’s alone. 

So, to start building it, one thing she did was choose one enjoyable solo activity to do each week — like going to a café with a book or going on a hike.

That said, it can be really hard to come up with effective ways to build a skill.

So, if you’re feeling stuck or unsure, you can open up Gemini or ChatGPT and use the following prompt:

“I’m trying to let go of my narcissistic ex, but it’s hard because [insert one reason you still want them in your life]. I know I need to [insert skill from the third step], but I’m not sure where to start. What’s one practical step I can take to start building this skill?”

For example:

“I’m trying to let go of my narcissistic ex, but it’s hard because he made me feel less lonely. I know I need to learn how to feel more secure, comfortable, and safe when I’m alone, but I’m not sure where to start. What’s one practical step I can take to build that skill?”

Prompts like this should give you some really helpful starting points, but you should also consider seeking out a mental health professional for deeper, more qualified guidance.

Jennifer says:

This fourth step is important because there’s no easy way around letting go of a narcissistic ex. 

It’s all about finding healthy, practical, and sustainable ways to consistently fill the space they used to have in your life.

Final Thoughts

Now, as you begin working on these skills, it’s really important to be aware of a huge curveball your ex will likely throw your direction: jumping into a new relationship.

It’s confusing, painful, and can make you feel worthless.  

So in the next episode, I’ll walk you through a four-part framework a woman we’re working with used to cope with how quickly her narcissistic ex moved on — so you can use it too.

And I’ll link it below as soon as it’s posted.

Read Now: How to Cope When Your Narcissistic Ex Moves On Quickly

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Partners podcast. 

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin, your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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