If Your Parent Makes You Feel Like a Fraud, Read This

Today we’re talking about impostor syndrome.

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you probably struggle with the fear of getting “found out” or exposed as a “fraud.”

This is a problem because it can lead to feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, guilt, and shame, that make it really hard to heal and move forward with your life.

So in this episode, I’m going to walk you through a four step process one of our members used to overcome impostor syndrome so you can do it too.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

Step 1: Normalize Impostor Syndrome

The first step is to normalize Impostor Syndrome.

If you go into this thinking you’re the only one who feels this way, you might start believing there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re somehow broken.

And this can make overcoming it so much more difficult, because you get blinded by anxiety, shame, and self-doubt instead of seeing the opportunity for healing, growth, and change.

The woman we worked with did this by using Reddit. 

There’s a group called r/raisedbynarcissists with over a million members. 

You can join it for free, and once you’re in, type “Impostor Syndrome” in the search bar. 

You’ll see hundreds of posts and comments from people opening up about their experiences with these feelings. 

Some of them are from people who are exactly where you are right now, but there are also many from people who’ve already overcome it. 

So, it’s a great space you can use to normalize your feelings of Impostor Syndrome and, as a bonus, see that overcoming it is possible.

Step 2: Create a Reality Log

The second step is to create a reality log.

My team and I have never met or heard of a person struggling with Impostor Syndrome who didn’t have evidence that directly contradicts it.

They have it, but they don’t always see it, accept it, or validate it.

So, creating a reality log is a super important step because it forces you to acknowledge all the evidence you have sitting right in front of you.

To get started, grab something to write or type with, and create two sections.

Label the first section “Impostor Syndrome” and label the second section “Reality Check.”

In the first section, write down one thing you’re experiencing Impostor Syndrome about.

In the second section, write down everything, and I mean everything — it doesn’t matter how big or small it is. Write down everything that contradicts your Impostor Syndrome.

For example, the woman we worked with had Impostor Syndrome around her career. So, in the first section, she once wrote:

“I’m not qualified to lead this project.”

In the second section, she wrote:

• “I was asked to lead because I’ve managed similar projects before.”
• “I’ve been leading teams for ten years and have the experience needed for this role.”
• “My boss has consistently praised my leadership and decision-making.”
• “I was chosen for this role because of my past performances.”

Once you’ve written all the evidence down, move on and repeat this process with the next thing you have Impostor Syndrome about. And keep going until you’ve covered everything.

For some people, simply seeing this evidence in black and white is enough to get rid of their Impostor Syndrome. But if you’re anything like the woman we worked with, it isn’t enough. 

Sure, you might see the evidence, but after years of narcissistic abuse, it’s hard to trust it.

Step 3: Build an Evidence File

The third step is to build an evidence file.

To do this, take everything you’re experiencing Impostor Syndrome about and put it into a list.

Then, start collecting new evidence that contradicts them.

For example, the three biggest sources of Impostor Syndrome for the woman we worked with were her career, relationship, and identity.

She felt like she wasn’t good at her job. 

She felt like a terrible wife.

And she felt like she was secretly a narcissist.

So, when she got to this third step, she decided to start writing down and saving the positive feedback she received from her clients, coworkers, boss, and husband.

And for her identity, she started documenting how she handled criticism, disappointment, and conflict so she could see how it matched up with typical narcissistic behavior.

This step is important because Impostor Syndrome distorts the way you view yourself.

Even when you have a mountain of evidence, your brain may dismiss it, telling you things like, “You’re not good at your job,” “You’re a terrible partner,” or “You’re a narcissist.”

Collecting new evidence gives your brain fresh reminders of who you truly are. The more you gather, the harder it becomes to deny.

And each new piece of evidence you add serves as a reminder that you are everything your Impostor Syndrome is trying to say you aren’t.

But…

This is a passive approach to overcoming Impostor Syndrome.

You’re waiting for evidence to come to you.

And in our experience, the biggest breakthroughs come from actively seeking that evidence out.

Step 4: Run Tests

The fourth step is to run tests.

This means deliberately putting yourself in situations where your Impostor Syndrome shows up, and seeing what actually happens.

For example, the woman we worked with knew her Impostor Syndrome showed up the most in team meetings at work.

People often looked to her for guidance and ideas, and this made her uncomfortable, so she’d find ways to hide as much as she could.

A test she ran was finding a small, but thoughtful way to add value to each meeting and then paying close attention to how people actually responded.

If you’re ever feeling unsure about what a test could be for you, a great question you can ask is:

“If I did [blank], would I be afraid it would prove my Impostor Syndrome right?”

If the answer is yes, that situation is a perfect place to run a test.

And hey, sometimes your test will get a positive response.

Sometimes it will get a negative response.

Don’t let one, two, or even three negatives, validate your Impostor Syndrome.

You don’t know what’s going on with the other person — their response might have nothing to do with you.

So keep on going.

However, if you start getting four or more negative responses in a row, that’s a sign it’s time to take a step back and look at whether or not there’s something you should adjust.

Final Thoughts

What we talked about today is an extremely powerful approach to dealing with impostor syndrome, but for most people, the work doesn’t stop here. 

You’ll also need to address challenges like negative self-talk, low self-esteem, and deeper identity issues to truly overcome it. 

So in this next episode, I’m going to help you get started with this by walking you through a complete guide to reparenting. 

If you haven’t heard of this term before, it’s the process of becoming the safe, loving, supportive adult you didn’t have as a child, and it’s how adult children of narcissistic parents heal.

Read Now: How to Reparent Yourself After Being Raised By a Narcissist

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Families podcast.

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin — your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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