96 Manipulation Tactics Narcissists Use
Hi, it’s Juliana and Elijah!
Narcissists use manipulation tactics to get narcissistic supply.
This resource defines 96 of these tactics and gives examples of how narcissists use them.
Right now, you might be thinking, “Are there really 96 tactics that narcissists use to manipulate others?”
Yes, there are.
We spent a year speaking with 62 people who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse to create a comprehensive list of tactics they faced.
Of course, we don’t expect you to memorize all 96 of these tactics.
We only created this resource to help you protect yourself and validate your experiences.
Suggested Resource: To learn how to protect yourself from these tactics, please check out our course “How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist.” (it’s 100% free)
Manipulation Tactics
Abuse of Power
This is when an individual uses their position of power to take unjust advantage of others.
For example, imagine you’re financially dependent on the narcissist in your life, and they say something like, “I earn more money, so you have to do what I say, or I won’t do [blank].”
Abusing Truisms
This is when someone uses statements that most people agree are true to make their own claims seem more believable.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like:
“Everyone knows relationships are about give and take. So, since I gave you a ride yesterday, you must give me your phone password today.”
Abusive Jokes or Gifts
This is when someone uses “humor” or “gifts” to put another person down or make fun of them in a hidden or unclear way.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life giving you a book titled “How to Be Less Boring” as a gift and saying something like:
“I saw this and immediately thought of you, hahaha. Don’t overreact; it’s just a little joke!”
Backhanded Compliment
This is when someone makes a remark which seems to be an insult but could also be understood as a compliment.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like, “You actually look good today; usually, you don’t care about your appearance.”
Baiting
This is when someone purposely annoys or upsets another person to elicit an emotional reaction, so they can use it against them, make a situation worse, or turn things in their favor.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life starts criticizing your cooking, knowing it’s something you’re sensitive about.
They say, “Anyone could cook better than this.”
Then, when you react, they use your reaction to say you’re over-sensitive or can’t take criticism, turning the situation to make you look bad.
Bandwagoning
This is when someone tries to get another person to do something by claiming everyone else is doing it to make them worry about being left out or not fitting in with everyone else.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life says something like, “All of our friends think you’re too uptight and need to loosen up. You should start going out more with us.”
Black-and-White Thinking
This is when someone sees everything in extreme, either-or ways.
They look at situations, people, or ideas as just “good or bad” or “right or wrong” without seeing any in-between or more nuanced possibilities.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like, “If you’re not going to support all my decisions, you’re against me and can’t be trusted.”
Blame Shifting
This is when someone tries to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by putting the blame on someone else.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life forgets to pay a bill, and when confronted, they say, “It’s your fault for not reminding me. You know I’m busy and can’t remember everything.”
Breadcrumbing
This is when someone gives another person just enough attention to keep them hooked into the relationship without any intention of committing. It’s a tactic used to string someone along.
For a romantic example, imagine you’ve just started dating a narcissist who doesn’t seem to be interested in you.
So, you’re upset and start pulling away. Then, suddenly, they start sending you romantic messages and even plan a special date.
This sudden change in behavior makes you happy, but just as you begin to believe the two of you have a future, they return to being distant.
For a family example, let’s say you have a family member you’ve always wished you were closer to, but they rarely show interest in your life.
This is painful, so you begin to give up on the idea and, subsequently, distance yourself to protect yourself from being hurt by them again.
They notice this and suddenly become supportive or offer help.
This change feels wonderful; however, once they sense they’ve reeled you back in, they withdraw their support and become indifferent again.
Bribery
This is when someone uses the promise of a reward or benefit to change how another person thinks or acts.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like:
“If you agree not to see your friends tonight and stay home with me instead, I’ll buy you that jacket you’ve been wanting.”
Bringing Up Past Contributions
This is when someone talks about what they’ve done or given up in the past to make another person feel they owe them something.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like, “I gave up a lot of opportunities for our relationship, so the least you can do is agree with me on this.”
Bringing Up Past Mistakes
This is when someone repeatedly mentions or reminds another person of their previous mistakes to weaken their current position, argument, or self-esteem.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like:
“You forgot to buy milk last week, which just proves you can’t handle any responsibility. I can’t trust you with anything important.”
Catastrophizing
This is when someone pushes others to react in a certain way by making a small problem seem much bigger than it is by vastly overstating the bad things that could happen.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life finds a small stain on a tablecloth and says:
“This stain will ruin the entire look of the house! When guests come over, they’ll think we live in a mess. You’ve ruined our reputation with just one careless act.”
Coercive Control
This is a form of manipulation that involves a pattern of behaviors used to dominate, intimidate, and control another person’s actions, thoughts, and feelings.
For example, imagine you’re financially dependent on the narcissist in your life.
They tell you, “You don’t need a bank account; I’ll handle all the finances.”
They insist on knowing where you are at all times and discourage you from seeing your friends or family, saying, “They don’t care about you like I do.”
They criticize your every action to make you doubt yourself and threaten to leave or harm you if you don’t follow their rules.
Condescension
This is when someone acts like they’re better than someone else to make it seem like the other person is not as intelligent, grown-up, or capable.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like, “Oh, let me explain this to you since it’s obviously too complex for you to understand on your own.”
Conversation Domination
This is when someone cuts others off, talks over them, or answers for them in a discussion to prevent them from sharing their own ideas or thoughts completely.
For example:
You: “I was thinking maybe we could go to the—”
Narcissist: “Stop. Whatever you were going to say was a terrible idea. We’re going to the mountains, it’s much better than anything you could have suggested.”
You: “But I —”
Narcissist: “Seriously. Just shut up. Trust me, I know what’s best. The mountains are the only sensible choice. Anyway, let’s discuss what I have planned for us there.”
Countering
This is when someone constantly opposes another person’s perceptions, opinions, or ideas to undermine that person’s confidence and assert dominance or control in the conversation.
You: “I was thinking we could repaint the living room to brighten it up.”
Narcissist: “That’s a silly idea. The current color is fine; you’re wasting time and money. Besides, you’ll probably choose a terrible color.”
You: “Well, maybe we could plant a garden in the backyard then?”
Narcissist: “Plant a garden? You don’t know the first thing about gardening. It’ll just end up being a mess. And you won’t keep up with it.”
Crossing Boundaries
This is when someone exceeds or ignores the limits or personal space of another person.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life consistently ignoring your requests for personal space and time alone.
They go through your personal belongings without permission, insist on being included in all your plans, or demand to know every detail of your conversations with others.
Despite you clearly communicating your boundaries, they repeatedly cross them, showing a lack of respect for your privacy and autonomy.
Defining
This is when a person tells someone else what they’re thinking, feeling, or doing instead of letting that person explain or define their thoughts, feelings, or actions themselves.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life says something like, “You’re not actually upset about what I said. You’re just tired and overreacting.”
Dehumanizing
This is when someone addresses or portrays someone else in a way that obscures or demeans that person’s humanity or individuality.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life refers to you as “my pet” or “my project” and says things like “They can’t really think for themselves; I make all the decisions” to others.
Denial
This is when someone refuses to admit the truth.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life clearly did something hurtful, but when you bring it up, they say something like, “That never happened. You’re making things up.”
Devaluing
This is when someone reduces or underestimates the worth or importance of something.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying things like, “Stop talking about your so-called ‘promotion’ at work. It really isn’t a big deal, anyone with half a brain could have gotten it.”
Discarding
This is when someone suddenly cuts off or reduces contact with another person.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life, after a period of intense involvement, suddenly acts as if you no longer exist.
They stop responding to your messages, avoid places where they might see you, and don’t acknowledge your presence in social situations.
Diverting
This means to draw the attention of someone from something.
For example, imagine you’re telling the narcissist in your life about a problem you’re facing, and they respond with a brief, “Mmhmm, sounds tough.”
Then, they switch the topic, saying, “Anyway, did I mention I’m planning a solo trip to Europe? It’s going to be such an adventure!”
Empty Promises (a.k.a. future faking)
This is when someone makes promises to appease, persuade, or placate someone in the moment, without intending to follow through.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life frequently makes exciting plans or promises for the future, saying things like:
“Next year, we’ll go on a trip to your dream destination!” or “I’ll definitely start looking for a new job so we can spend more time together.”
However, they never take steps to make these plans or promises happen.
Exaggerating
This is when someone intentionally amplifies or overstates the facts or aspects of a situation, making it seem more significant, dramatic, or severe than it is.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life takes a minor disagreement and blows it out of proportion.
They say, “You disagreed with me on this little thing; it’s clear you don’t respect me at all, and our entire relationship is a lie!”
Excessive Gifting
This is when someone frequently gives gifts or financial assistance to another person to create a sense of obligation or indebtedness, making the recipient feel compelled to comply with the giver’s wishes or expectations to repay their “generosity.”
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life often buys you expensive gifts or gives you money for no specific reason. They might say, “I got you this expensive watch just because.”
Later, when they want something from you, they remind you of these gifts, saying, “After all I’ve done and bought for you, the least you can do is [their request].”
Expecting Mind Reading
This is when someone assumes that others should know their thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs without them having to communicate them.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life gets upset because they don’t like the restaurant you picked and says something along the lines of:
“You should’ve known I didn’t want to come here. Why didn’t you pick somewhere else?”
Exploitation
This refers to using someone for personal gain or advantage without regard for their thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life is only nice to you when they need something.
They ignore you for the most part but suddenly become friendly and attentive when they want you to do them a favor, like lending them money or helping with a personal project.
Once they get what they want, they return to being indifferent or dismissive.
Fake Pity
This is when someone expresses insincere sympathy, often in a demeaning or patronizing way, to belittle or undermine the recipient’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life hears you talking about a challenging situation you’re facing.
Instead of offering genuine support, they say, “Oh, poor you, always having such hard times. It must be so difficult being you.”
False Compromise
This is when someone presents a superficial compromise to manipulate the outcome to seem like a fair middle ground when, in reality, it’s skewed in favor of one party.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life wants a new, luxurious car that’s out of your joint budget. When you express concern about the cost, they say:
“Alright, let’s compromise. We’ll buy a slightly less expensive model, but you’ll have to give up your annual vacation to make it affordable. It’s only fair since you don’t want the one I want.”
False Equivalences
This is when someone draws comparisons between two things that are not actually similar or equivalent in nature or magnitude to mislead or persuade others
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life has gone out and spent a significant amount of money on a luxury item.
When you express concern, they counter by saying, “You just spent money on groceries last week. We’re both spending, so it’s the same thing.”
False Flattery
This is when someone uses insincere praise or compliments to gain favor, compliance, or an advantage rather than out of genuine appreciation or recognition.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life begins showering you with compliments out of the blue, saying things like:
“You’re such an amazing cook; nobody else’s food compares to yours,” and “You have a real talent in the kitchen; it’s incredible.”
After a series of these compliments, they then add, “Since you’re so great at cooking, could you prepare that elaborate dinner for my friends this weekend?”
Fast-Talking
This is when someone overwhelms another person with a rapid and continuous flow of speech to dominate the conversation, confuse them, and prevent them from having an opportunity to counter their arguments or assertions.
For example, imagine you’re trying to discuss weekend plans with the narcissist in your life. The conversation might go like this:
You: “I was thinking we could—”
Narcissist: “Oh, about the weekend, I’ve already thought this through. We should go to the beach, it will be sunny, and I know you love the sun.
Plus, I found this great spot; it’s perfect and not too crowded. We can leave early and get a good spot; I know you don’t like waking up early, but it’s worth it this time, trust me.
And I saw this amazing café nearby; you’ll love their coffee, it’s totally your style. Plus, we—”
You: “But I was hoping—”
Narcissist: “And after the beach, there’s this event in the evening; it’s exactly the kind of thing we should be seen at, very upscale, very us.
You’ll need to get something to wear, something stylish; I can help you choose, you know I have a better eye for these things. It’s all sorted, a perfect day planned out.”
Financial Abuse
This involves controlling a person’s ability to acquire, use, or maintain financial resources.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life taking control of your joint bank account and credit cards, saying, “I’ll handle our finances. You’re not good with money.”
They give you an allowance and monitor every penny you spend. If you want to buy something, they demand you ask for their permission first.
They also discourage or forbid you from working, saying things along the lines of, “You don’t need to work. I’ll take care of everything.”
Gaslighting
This is when someone intentionally or unintentionally doubts or denies reality, causing others to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life consistently denies events that you clearly remember happening.
If you bring up a specific incident, they say, “That never happened. You’re imagining things,” or “You’re always making up stories. I never said that.”
Generalizing
This is when someone makes broad, sweeping statements based on a few instances or limited evidence without considering individual differences or exceptions.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like, “You always mess things up. Every time you try to do something, it ends in disaster.”
Guilt-Tripping
This is when someone tries to induce feelings of guilt in another person to control or influence their behavior.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying something like:
“After all I’ve done for you, you can’t even do this one thing for me?” or “I can’t believe you’re being so selfish. I always put you first.”
Home Court
This is when someone insists on having discussions or meetings in a place where they feel more in control so they can tilt the dynamics of the situation in their favor.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life always insists on having important conversations at their house, never at yours or a mutual setting.
When you’re there, they sit in their favorite chair, control the room’s environment, and set the rules for the discussion.
This familiar and comfortable setting for them, but unfamiliar and potentially intimidating for you, helps them tilt the dynamics of the situation in their favor.
Hoovering
This is when someone tries to regain control or rekindle a relationship through excessive gestures of affection and attention, especially after a period of separation or conflict.
For example, imagine you’ve had a significant argument with the narcissist in your life or you’ve tried to distance yourself from them.
In response, they suddenly start an onslaught of affectionate gestures: sending you frequent messages, buying gifts, and professing their love and commitment.
And they say things like, “I can’t live without you,” or “You’re my [role of a romantic partner or family member]; I’ll always love you even though you don’t care about me.”
Image Management
This is when a person carefully controls how they are perceived by others.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life is very concerned about how others see them.
In public or on social media, they always portray themselves as successful, caring, and generous.
They share photos of themselves volunteering or post about how they helped a friend in need.
However, their behavior is quite different in private – less caring and more self-centered.
Incredulity
This is when someone expresses disbelief or skepticism towards another person’s statement or experience, regardless of its validity, to dismiss or undermine their perspective.
For example, imagine you tell the narcissist in your life about a challenging experience at work or a personal achievement.
Instead of acknowledging or supporting you, they respond with disbelief, saying things like, “That couldn’t have happened,” or “I don’t believe you’re capable of doing that.”
Intermittent Reinforcement
This is the delivery of a reward at irregular intervals.
In the context of narcissistic abuse, intermittent reinforcement involves prolonged periods of abuse mixed with unpredictable and sporadic periods of positive attention.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life is usually critical and dismissive towards you, creating a tense and unpredictable environment.
However, occasionally, they switch to being loving, attentive, and generous. But, after a period of this positive attention, they suddenly revert back to their abusive behavior.
Interrogating
This is when someone asks another person a series of personal and probing questions, often in an aggressive or accusatory manner.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life begins interrogating you as soon as you come home from meeting a friend:
Narcissist: “Where were you? Who were you with?”
You: “I was out with Alex, just catching up.”
Narcissist: “What did you talk about? Did you talk about me?”
You: “We just chatted about work and stuff.”
Narcissist: “Stuff? What stuff? Why are you being so vague? Did Alex say something about me? Why aren’t you answering my questions directly?”
Intimacy Avoidance
This is when a person consistently shies away from or sabotages close, personal connections to maintain a sense of control or to protect themselves from vulnerability.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life suddenly becomes busy, unresponsive, or even starts arguments over trivial matters whenever you try to strengthen your relationship.
Isolation
This is when someone attempts to cut off another person’s relationships or support systems.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life gradually starting to discourage you from spending time with friends or family.
They say things like, “Why do you need to see them again? You should be spending more time with me,” or “I don’t think your friends really have your best interests at heart.”
Judging
This is when someone makes critical assessments or negative evaluations of another person’s character, actions, or choices.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life constantly criticizing your decisions, whether it’s about your career, the way you dress, or even your hobbies.
They say things like, “You’re not smart enough to get that promotion,” or “You always choose the most unflattering clothes.”
Just Enough
This is when someone does the bare minimum to appease someone else’s request.
For example, imagine you express to the narcissist in your life that you wish they would be more emotionally supportive and communicative.
In response, they make a minimal effort, sending brief, non-committal messages once in a while, like “Hope your day is good,” but they avoid more meaningful conversation.
When you mention their lack of engagement again, they refer back to these messages, saying, “I’ve been texting you more, haven’t I?”
Labeling
This is when someone assigns a descriptor to another person.
In the context of narcissistic abuse, it is often a derogatory or limiting descriptor that is designed to reduce the individual’s identity to the label they’ve been given.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life calling you “clumsy” every time you drop something or “overly sensitive” whenever you express your feelings.
Lesser of Two Evils
This is when the narcissist presents two options, both undesirable to some extent, in a way that nudges their target towards choosing the option that the narcissist prefers.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life wants you to quit a hobby that you enjoy.
They say:
“You can either continue with your hobby and miss out on our weekend getaways, which you love, or you can give up the hobby so we can spend more quality time together.”
Both options are negative for you: one forces you to give up your hobby, and the other threatens to take away something you look forward to.
Love Bombing
This is when someone overwhelms someone else with excessive affection, attention, and flattery early in a relationship, typically a romantic one.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life constantly praises you, sends you messages all day, showers you with compliments, and quickly profess deep feelings for you.
Making Assumptions
This is when someone decides something about a person or a situation without having all the facts or asking them directly.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying things like:
“I knew you wouldn’t want to go to that party, so I didn’t bother asking you,” or “I assumed you’d be okay with me borrowing your car, so I just took it.”
Making Public Requests
This is when someone asks another person to do something in a setting where others are present to pressure the person into agreeing.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life wants you to cancel something you’ve had planned for months to attend their work event.
At a family dinner, in front of everyone, they say, “You’ll be at my work event this Friday to support me, right? It means a lot to me.”
This puts you in a difficult position. If you say no, you risk looking unsupportive or selfish in front of your family.
Making Threats
This is when someone states an intention to inflict pain, injury, damage, or other hostile action on someone in retribution for something done or not done.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life saying things like:
“If you don’t do this, I’ll make sure your friends know what kind of person you really are,” or “If you go against my wishes, I’ll make your life miserable.”
Minimizing
This is when someone downplays the significance, impact, or seriousness of something.
For example, imagine you express to the narcissist in your life how their hurtful comments affected you, and they respond with, “Oh, relax. You’re being too sensitive. It was just a joke.”
Mirroring
This is when someone imitates or “mirrors” someone else’s behaviors, interests, beliefs, etc., to gain their trust and create a bond they can later use to control and manipulate them.
For example, imagine you love to travel. During a trip, you unknowingly meet a narcissist and tell them about your passion for traveling.
To mirror you, the narcissist pretends to share your passion by saying:
“Wow, you love to travel too? That’s fantastic! I’ve always found that exploring new places and cultures adds so much richness to life.
Just last year, I went backpacking across Europe.
It was such an incredible experience. I’m so happy we met because I rarely meet someone with the same passion for adventure as I do!”
Monitoring
This is when someone closely observes someone else’s activities, whereabouts, or behavior, often without their knowledge or consent.
For example, imagine the narcissist in your life insists on knowing your exact schedule each day, including who you meet and where you go.
They frequently check your phone to see who you’ve been calling or texting and even follow you to places or have someone else watch you when they can’t themselves.
Nagging
This is when someone constantly harasses someone else to do something.
For example:
Morning:
Narcissist: “Have you talked to your brother yet? You should call him this morning.”
You: “I’m still thinking about the right way to handle it.”
During Lunchtime:
Narcissist (via text): “Have you called him yet? You must do it soon.”
You (via text): “Not yet. I’ll decide when it’s the right time.”
Afternoon:
Narcissist (on the phone): “This is dragging on. You need to call your brother. I can’t believe you haven’t done it yet.”
You: “I’m handling it. I need you to trust my judgment on the timing.”
Evening:
Narcissist: “So, did you finally do what you needed to and talk to your brother? If not, why? What’s holding you back?”
You: “I’ve said I’ll handle it in my own time. Please stop pressuring me about this.”
Name-Calling
This is when someone uses derogatory or insulting labels to demean, belittle, or verbally attack someone else.
For example, imagine in the heat of an argument, the narcissist in your life calls you “stupid,” “worthless,” or “pathetic.”
Negative Predictions
This is when someone predicts negative outcomes for another person to stop them from engaging in certain behaviors or making certain choices.
For example, imagine you tell the narcissist in your life that you want to pursue a new career path or hobby, and they respond:
“You’ll never be successful in that field,” or “You’re just going to fail and regret even trying.”