What to Do When Your Elderly Narcissistic Parent Gets Sick

If you’re cut off from a narcissistic parent and now health stuff has come up…

I’m sorry.

It’s such a complicated position to be in because:

On one hand, you don’t feel prepared to talk to them again. 

If this wasn’t happening, you wouldn’t even be considering reaching out.

But on the other hand, part of you still cares about them.

And the thought of them passing without any contact just feels wrong.

So, in today’s episode, I’m going to walk you through a three-step process a woman we’re working with used to make a decision that felt safe and authentic so you can use it too.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

Step 1: Assess the Cost of Contact

The first step in this process is to assess the cost of contact.

This means taking an honest look at how being in contact with your narcissistic parent affects you emotionally, physically, financially, psychologically, socially, even spiritually.

For example, the woman we’re working with wrote things like:

• “I feel nauseous because I’m so anxious.”
• “I have trouble sleeping at night.”
• “I somehow end up spending money I don’t really have.”
• “I question myself all the time.”
• “My partner and I fight more because I’m on edge.”
• “I feel like I’m failing at what my faith asks of me.”

This step is important, because just like you’d check your finances before making a big purchase, you need to know what contact will really cost you before making a decision.

Step 2: Share Your Cost of Contact with Someone You Trust

The second step in this process is sharing your cost of contact with someone you trust. 

This could be a therapist, friend, or even a support group. 

But the goal here isn’t to get advice, quick fixes, or be told what to do.

It is to be witnessed.

To have someone see you, hear you, and honor what you’ve experienced.

I believe for this step, choosing someone who can help you contain the fire is far more effective than choosing someone who throws gasoline on it or puts it out completely.

For example, let’s say part of your cost of contact is:

“I have trouble sleeping at night.”

When you share that with someone, you don’t want them to throw gasoline on it by saying:

“Oh my gosh, that’s terrible! You should cut them off immediately!”

This is because that kind of response can push you into hyperarousal — a state where you feel anxious, agitated, disoriented, or overwhelmed. 

At the same time, you don’t want them to put the fire out completely by saying:

“Oh, just try not to think about it.”

This is because that kind of response can push you into hypoarousal — a state where you feel numb, shut down, or disconnected.

Ideally, you want someone who helps you contain the fire by saying something like:

“That sounds really hard — you’re doing the right thing by naming it.”

This is because that kind of response helps you stay within your window of tolerance — a state where you feel steady, present, and grounded.

And as a general rule, this is where you need to be to make conscious, well-informed decisions that protect and support both you and your loved ones.

But if you don’t have someone in your life who can hold space for you like that — no problem.

You can click here to sign up for a free one-on-one session with someone from our team.

Helping people whose lives have been affected by narcissistic abuse is what we do 24/7, 365.

So if you ever need us, we’re here.

Step 3: Make a Decision

The third step in this process is to make a decision.

What level of contact feels right for you right now?

But before you answer, I’d like to share the best advice I’ve come across on this.

It comes from a licensed mental health counselor named Matthias J. Barker.

He made a video about reconnecting with a sick or aging parent and said:

“It feels like we have two options.

Like I either jump all the way back in, or I stay away. 

But that’s not true. 

There’s actually a lot of little steps in between that are available to you. 

You can just start with a FaceTime, a voice note, or a 30-minute visit with an exit plan. 

You can take these small steps without committing to something big. 

You can give yourself permission to stay if it feels fine, or to exit if it becomes too much. 

Think of it like dipping your toe in, not jumping in like a cannonball. 

Take a tiny step, see how it feels, and then adjust.”

The reason I think this is such good advice is because it reframes this challenging emotional task into a series of manageable, low-risk experiments.

And empowers you to take action without feeling overwhelmed or losing your sense of agency.

But it’s just the beginning — because once you start taking those small steps, you’ll need strong boundaries to keep yourself and your loved ones safe.

Final Thoughts

In the next episode, I’m going to walk you through a six-step framework my team and I created to help you set boundaries with your narcissistic parent.

And I’ll link it here as soon as it’s posted.

Read Now: How to Set Boundaries with Your Narcissistic Parent

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Families podcast.

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin — your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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