Narcissists are experts at using mind games to manipulate and control the people around them.
These psychological tactics are subtle but powerful, keeping you off-balance and constantly questioning yourself.
Some of the most common mind games narcissists play include:
- Hot and Cold Behavior
- Feigning Ignorance
- Giving with Strings Attached
- Mixed Signals
- Strategic Withdrawal
- Insincere Compliments
- Playing the Victim
- Testing Loyalty
- Creating Uncertainty
- Inconsistent Rules
- Mind Reading Expectations
- False Narratives
In this article, I’ll explain these mind games in detail so you can recognize them and protect yourself from their manipulative effects.
1.) Hot and Cold Behavior
Hot and cold behavior happens when someone is really nice to you one moment and then suddenly distant or mean the next.
It’s like they’re turning their emotions on and off like a light switch.
One day, they might shower you with compliments, attention, and affection, making you feel special.
Then, without warning, they pull back, ignore you, or act cold. This leaves you confused and wondering what you did wrong.
You might start trying harder to win back their affection, which gives them control over you.1
The constant shift keeps you on edge, always guessing what mood they’ll be in next, making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
2.) Feigning Ignorance
Feigning ignorance is when someone pretends not to know or understand something to avoid responsibility or frustrate you.
Imagine you’re talking to someone about something important, and they act like they don’t get it or can’t remember.
They might say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” even though you know they do.
This tactic is meant to make you doubt yourself or feel like you’re overreacting.
It’s also a way for them to avoid dealing with issues or taking responsibility for their actions.2
Over time, this can make you feel like your concerns aren’t valid or that you’re the one who’s confused.
3.) Giving with Strings Attached
Giving with strings attached is when someone offers you something—like help, a gift, or a favor—but they expect something in return, even if they don’t say it outright.
At first, it might seem like they’re being generous or caring. But later, they might remind you of what they did for you and make you feel like you owe them.
For example, they might say, “Remember when I did [blank] for you?” to guilt you into doing something for them.
This kind of giving isn’t really about kindness; it’s about control.3
They use their “generosity” to put you in their debt, so you feel obligated to meet their demands or put up with their behavior.
4.) Mixed Signals
Mixed signals happen when someone sends you conflicting messages about how they feel or what they want.
For example, one day, they might be really attentive and act like they’re interested in spending time with you.
The next day, they might seem distant or uninterested, leaving you confused about where you stand with them.
This inconsistency makes you question everything, and you might spend a lot of time trying to figure out what they really mean.
The goal is to keep you guessing, which makes you more likely to seek their approval or work harder to please them.4
5.) Strategic Withdrawal
Strategic withdrawal is when someone deliberately pulls away from you at crucial moments.
This might happen when you’re seeking comfort, support, or simply trying to connect with them.
Instead of being there for you, they suddenly become distant, stop responding, or avoid spending time with you.
This withdrawal can make you feel abandoned or insecure, especially if it happens during a difficult time.5
The purpose is to make you crave their attention even more, so when they finally do give it to you, it feels like a relief.
This cycle of withdrawal and return keeps you emotionally hooked, as you’re constantly waiting for them to come back around.
6.) Insincere Compliments
Insincere compliments are compliments that seem nice on the surface but are actually meant to manipulate or control you.
They might say something flattering, but it doesn’t feel genuine, or there’s a hidden motive behind it.6
For example, they might compliment your appearance right before asking for a favor or say something like, “You’re so smart for someone who didn’t go to college.”
These backhanded compliments make you feel good and bad at the same time.
The goal is to keep you seeking their approval, always wondering if you’re really as great as they say or if there’s something you need to fix.
This keeps you dependent on their validation.
7.) Playing the Victim
Playing the victim is when someone pretends to be hurt, wronged, or mistreated, even if they’re the ones causing the problem.
They do this to make you feel sorry for them and to shift the blame away from themselves.
For example, if you confront them about something they did wrong, they might turn the situation around and say, “I can’t believe you’re accusing me of this after everything I’ve been through.”
This tactic makes you feel guilty for bringing up your concerns and often leads you to comfort them instead of addressing the real issue.
By playing the victim, they avoid taking responsibility and gain your sympathy, which they can use to manipulate you further.7
Suggested Reading: Why Do Narcissists Play the Victim? (7 Reasons)
8.) Testing Loyalty
Testing loyalty is when someone creates situations to see how devoted or committed you are to them.
They might set up scenarios where you have to choose between them and someone else or do something to prove your loyalty.
For example, they might make you feel like you need to agree with them or side with them in an argument, even if you think they’re wrong.
If you don’t pass their manipulative and toxic test, they might accuse you of being disloyal or not caring about them enough.
This keeps you on edge, always trying to prove that you’re faithful to them, which gives them more control over your actions and decisions.
9.) Creating Uncertainty
Creating uncertainty is when someone deliberately keeps you in the dark about their feelings, intentions, or the future of your relationship.
They might be vague about their plans or give unclear answers when you ask important questions.
For instance, if you ask them where the relationship is going, they might respond with something like, “Let’s just see what happens,” without giving you a straight answer.
This uncertainty makes you feel insecure and anxious because you don’t know where you stand or what to expect.
The goal is to keep you constantly seeking reassurance, making you more dependent on them and willing to put up with their behavior just to get some clarity.
10.) Inconsistent Rules
Inconsistent rules are when someone keeps changing their standards or expectations for you, making it impossible for you to know what’s right or wrong.
One day, they might say something is important to them, and the next day, they act like it doesn’t matter at all.
For example, they might criticize you for not spending enough time with them, but then get angry when you cancel plans with others to be with them.
This inconsistency makes you feel like you can never do anything right, no matter how hard you try.
It’s a way for them to keep you off-balance and make you feel like you’re always at fault, which puts them in control of the situation.
11.) Mind Reading Expectations
Mind reading expectations happen when someone expects you to know what they want or need without them telling you.
They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you’d know what I want,” or get upset when you don’t do something they never asked for.
This tactic is frustrating because it sets you up to fail. No matter how much you care about them, you can’t read theirmind.
When you inevitably don’t meet these unspoken expectations, they use it as proof that you don’t care about them enough or aren’t paying attention.
This keeps you on edge, always trying to guess what they want, which gives them power over your actions and emotions.
Suggested Reading: 5 Reasons Narcissists Expect You to Read Their Minds
12.) False Narratives
False narratives are when someone creates a distorted version of events to fit their own story, often twisting the truth to make themselves look better or to manipulate you.
They might exaggerate things that happened or leave out key details to make you look bad or themselves look like the hero or the victim.
For example, they might tell others that you were the one who caused a fight, leaving out the part where they provoked you.
This can make you doubt your own memories and feel like you’re the one who’s wrong.
By controlling the story, they control how others see you and how you see yourself, making it harder for you to stand up to them or defend your perspective.8
What Should You Take Away from This Article?
Thank you for taking the time to read through this guide.
Understanding the mind games that narcissists play is the first step toward reclaiming your power and setting healthy boundaries.
Stay strong, trust your instincts, and keep moving forward.
You deserve to be in relationships full of respect, honesty, and mutual care. Keep going—you’ve got this.
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About the Author
Hey, I’m Elijah.
I experienced narcissistic abuse for several years and was shocked by just how common it is. I create these articles to spread awareness.
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