20 Tactics Narcissists Use You Need to Know

If I could only give you one piece of advice for healing, it would be to research.

When you can find the words for what you’ve experienced, it stops being this confusing mess in your head, and becomes something you can process, heal from, and move through.

So I want to share 20 of the most common tactics narcissists use, because I believe understanding them will help you find a lot of the words you’re looking for.

Number 1. Gaslighting:

This is when they try to make you doubt your sanity, memory, or perception of reality.

If you say “You promised you’d pick me up after work, but you never showed up,” they might respond “I never said I’d pick you up, you must be remembering wrong.”

Number 2. Invalidation:

This is when they directly or indirectly tell you what you feel isn’t real, right, or important.

If you say “I’m really hurt that you forgot my birthday,” they might respond “Are you being serious right now? You’re 31 years old, grow up, it’s just another day.”

Number 3. Blame Shifting:

This is when they blame someone or something else for their actions.

If you say “You broke the lamp,” they might respond “You’re the one who put it in a stupid spot.”

Number 4. Projection:

This is when they unconsciously accuse you of the very things they’re doing themselves.

I think one of the most common projections our community has heard is when they accuse you of being “manipulative” or “a narcissist,” even though they’re the one showing all those traits.

Number 5. Moving the Goalposts:

This is when they change the standards or expectations.

You do exactly what they asked — like bringing ice to a party after they said that’s all they needed — and they respond, “Thanks, but why wouldn’t you bring cups too?”

Number 6. Stonewalling:

This is when they shut down and refuse to engage in meaningful conversation.

You try to talk to them about something that’s bothering you, and instead of responding they just sit there in silence, give one-word answers, stare at their phone, and refuse to engage.

Number 7. Withholding Affection: 

This is when they intentionally withdraw love, intimacy, or affection.

You try to reconnect after a big argument, but when you reach for their hand, they pull it away, refuse to let you get close, and tell you to “stop bothering” them.

Number 8. Future Faking:

This is when they make plans or promises they don’t intend to keep.

They talk excitedly about helping you pay off some debt or starting a business together, but every time you bring it up, there’s always an excuse and it never actually happens.

Number 9. Intermittent Reinforcement:

This is when they mix moments of positive treatment into long stretches of negative treatment.

They spend a month criticizing and invalidating everything you do, but then suddenly surprise you one weekend with a nice road trip like nothing ever happened.

Number 10. Playing the Victim: 

This is when they flip the script and act like they’re the victim.

They crash your car after driving it without asking, but instead of apologizing they say, “Great, now you’re going to be mad at me, I always get blamed for everything.”

Number 11. Triangulation:

This is when they turn a 1-on-1 situation into a 2-on-1 situation by involving a third party.

You’re upset with them about something, and instead of hearing you out they say, “Why can’t you be more like [name]? They never make a big deal about stuff like this.”

Number 12. Smear Campaign:

This is when they spread lies, gossip, or damaging information about you to others.

They go behind your back and tell as many people as they can that you’re “unstable” or “can’t be trusted,” and even though none of it is true, it turns people against you.

Number 13. Baiting:

This is when they deliberately provoke you with words or actions to get a reaction.

You open the fridge to grab a snack, and they ask, “Are you seriously eating again?”

Number 14. DARVO:

This is when, after being confronted, they deny what they did, attack you, and then reverse the roles so they look like the victim and you look like the aggressor.

You confront them about a lie, and they might:

• Deny: “I never said that, you’re making this up.”
• Attack: “It’s unbelievable how miserable you are to be around, everyone hates you.”
• Reverse: “Oh my gosh, I feel unsafe when you talk to me like this.”

Number 15. Narcissistic Rage: 

This is when they have an intense outburst of anger or rage, seemingly out of nowhere.

You disagree with them over something small, like what to watch on TV, and they explode — yelling, slamming doors, and acting like you just betrayed them in the worst way possible.

It’s a lot like a child having a temper tantrum, only here it can escalate to physical abuse.

Number 16. Guilt Tripping: 

This is when they try to make you feel guilty to pressure you into doing what they want.

You tell them you can’t help them move this weekend, and they sigh and say, “Wow, after everything I’ve done for you, you can’t even do this one thing for me?”

Number 17. Discarding:

This is when they suddenly distance themselves from you or cut you out of their life completely.

One week you’re talking every day, making plans and spending time together, and the next they’ve blocked your number or act like you don’t exist.

Number 18. Hoovering:

This is when they do or say things to try to pull you back into their life.

You haven’t heard from them in weeks, then they text you saying, “I know things got messed up between us, but I really don’t want to lose you. Can we just talk?”

Number 19. Isolation:

This is when they slowly cut you off from friends, family, or other sources of support.

It can be direct, saying things like, “Why do you even hang out with them?” Or it can be indirect, like giving you the silent treatment or starting an argument when you spend time with others.

Number 20. Intimidation:

This is when they intentionally use threatening or frightening behaviors to control you.

It can be overt, like raising their voice and stepping toward you during an argument, or it can be covert, like being silent and giving you a glare that makes you drop the subject.

Final Thoughts

That’s all I have to say for today.

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse podcast.

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin — your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

Latest Posts

About the Author