Before you park their car at an airport and leave it for months so it racks up thousands of dollars in fees, let me show you how to get the best revenge on a narcissist.
First, you need to understand what you’re actually trying to get.
Revenge is when you deliberately cause another person pain or loss because you believe that person caused you pain or loss first.
Second, you need to understand what revenge looks like in this context.
Because narcissists aren’t your average people.
They don’t experience pain and loss the same way the rest of us do.
Emotionally and psychologically…
For you, pain is about how something made you feel.
For a narcissist, pain is about how something made them look.
For you, loss is about the person or thing you lost.
For a narcissist, loss is about losing what that person or thing gave them.
So you can’t get revenge by:
- Yelling at them.
- Slashing their tires.
- Or even going no contact.
Because that stuff is more of an inconvenience than actual pain or loss.
And on top of that, it’s massively disrespectful to you.
They weren’t just an inconvenience in your life — they were a terrorist.
Armed with psychological weapons most people can’t even begin to imagine.
So no, things like cutting contact or yelling at them aren’t going to cut it.
You need to separate who you are from who they want you to be.
Now, I know you’ve probably heard things like this a thousand times before, but let me explain why this is the most devastating revenge you can possibly get.
A narcissist’s entire existence depends on other people’s validation.
Think of it like this:
The narcissist is the Evil Queen from Snow White.
The Magic Mirror hanging in her castle is who they want you to be.
And Snow White is who you truly are.
The Queen’s existence depends on the mirror telling her she’s the fairest in the land.
And when you live as the person she wants you to be, that’s exactly what you do.
But the moment you start moving toward who you are, you tell the Queen that Snow White is now the fairest of them all —and that’s something she can’t accept.
So she starts spiraling, desperately trying to climb back onto the pedestal she built for herself, until eventually the illusion starts to fall apart — and she self-destructs.
The point I’m trying to make is that separating who you are from who they want you to be is the ultimate revenge because it shatters the illusion they need to survive.
When you stop being their mirror and start living as Snow White, you’re no longer a source of validation, admiration, reassurance, power, or control.
You become a living reminder that they are not the fairest in the land.
And for a narcissist, that’s the worst punishment you could ever give them.
Final Thoughts
If you’d like help separating who you are from who they want you to be, my team and I host free sessions all week.
You can click here to learn more, and you can click here for an exercise that will help you start building an identity that truly belongs to you.
Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse podcast.
If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.
My name is Juliana Akin — your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.
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About the Author
Hi, it’s Juliana!
I’m a founder of Unfilteredd and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.
Who Are You?
Purpose:
To help you build an identity that belongs to you.
Instructions:
Start by outlining the different pieces that make up a person’s identity.
Here are some categories you can use:
- Traits
- Values
- Beliefs
- Hobbies
- Fears
- Passions
- Skills
- Goals
- Career
For each one, write down as many things as you can that fall under that category.
Example: Under traits, you might list: thoughtful, creative, independent.
Pro Tip:
You can use AI tools like ChatGPT to help brainstorm ideas for each category.
Here’s a prompt you can use:
“Can you give me a list of [insert category, like ‘values’ or ‘fears’] that could help someone explore their identity and better understand who they are or want to become?”
Once you’ve finished, go back through your lists and circle the ones that feel most true to who you are or who you want to become.
Then, each morning, choose one of the circled items and find a small way to explore or express it during the day.
Example:
If you circled “creativity,” you might:
- Cook a meal without a recipe
- Write a short poem about your day
- Make something by hand — a card, a drawing, a piece of pottery
At the end of the day, write down what you did, how it felt, and what impact it had on you.
Final Thoughts:
Do this for as many days as you can, and save all the reflections you write.
Over time, you’ll be able to use them to guide yourself toward more of what felt good and had a positive impact and less of what felt bad and had a negative impact.
This is how you begin to build an identity that belongs to you.