Can a Family Be Full of Narcissists?

A question that many people have once they realize that they come from a narcissistic family of origin is, “Can an entire family be full of narcissists?”

The short answer is yes. There can be multiple narcissists within a family structure.

However, it is a bit more complex than that.

You see, while a family can be full of narcissists, it is also possible for a family structure to appear to be full of narcissists when in reality there is only one narcissist who is forcing their own narcissistic traits onto the other members of the family.

This article is going to guide you through all of this so that you can grasp a comprehensive understanding of narcissistic family structures.

The Family Members of a Narcissist Can Develop Narcissistic Traits

A defining characteristic of a narcissistic family structure is triangulation. 

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic that narcissists use to maintain power and control over their surrounding environment. 

It occurs when a narcissist makes a one-on-one situation into a two-on-one situation by involving a third party. 

For example, imagine that you are having a private argument with your narcissistic parent when all of a sudden they say, “I can’t take this anymore, (the name of your sibling) can you please come in here and tell (your name) to relax?”

This is triangulation. 

Your narcissistic parent has brought your sibling (i.e. the third party) into the private argument that they were having with you.

This means that they turned a one-on-one situation into a two-on-one situation by involving a third party.

What is the significance of this?

Well, triangulation in narcissistic family structures can create several different outcomes such as confusion, insecurity, power imbalances, dependency, emotional pain, and isolation.

But it can also manipulate the members of the narcissistic family structure into becoming flying monkeys for the narcissist. 

A flying monkey is a person who a narcissist manipulates into helping them abuse others. Flying monkeys are essentially extensions of the narcissist and they often adopt many of the narcissist’s behavior patterns.

For example, a flying monkey may gaslight you to protect the narcissist by saying something like, “You are out of control. I can’t believe how arrogant you are being after everything (the narcissist’s name) has done for us.”

As you can imagine, being surrounded by flying monkeys can make it feel like your family is full of narcissists, but that isn’t always the reality of the situation.

You see, there are three types of flying monkeys: 

1. Forced Flying Monkey: These are flying monkeys who are created when a narcissist spreads lies about the person that they are abusing. They believe the lies because they are scared of becoming the target of the narcissist’s abuse if they don’t.

2. Manipulated Flying Monkey: These are flying monkeys who are created when a narcissist spreads lies about the person that they are abusing. They believe the lies because of how good narcissists are at maintaining a positive public persona. 

3. Natural Flying Monkey: These are flying monkeys who are created when a narcissist spreads lies about the person that they are abusing. They believe the lies because they enjoy drama and/or being abusive towards others.

Do you see the difference?

Forced Flying Monkeys and Manipulated Flying Monkeys often display narcissistic traits, but they aren’t necessarily narcissists. 

We can’t say the same for Natural Flying Monkeys though because they are making a conscious decision to be a flying monkey simply because they enjoy the role.

But either way, dealing with triangulation and flying monkeys within a narcissistic family structure can make it feel like your entire family is full of narcissists.

Narcissism Can Be Passed Down to Children

Sadly, it is possible for a family to be full of narcissists because narcissism can be passed down to children.

How?

Well, to grasp a comprehensive understanding of this we are going to have to take a look at how narcissists are made.

It’s believed by many mental health professionals that narcissism originates from an abusive/unhealthy upbringing with emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent primary caregivers. 

With that being said, this belief has a very broad spectrum of possibilities.

It could mean that a narcissist had primary caregivers who are physically abusive (e.g. slapping, punching, spanking).

Or it could mean that they had primary caregivers whose emotional availability, responsiveness, and consistency is unhealthy (e.g. too much pampering, being overprotective, lack of boundaries).

Either way, when a child experiences the emotional neglect that comes with having emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent primary caregivers, it prevents them from being able to develop a realistic sense of self and have a healthy cognitive development.

This is because emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent primary caregivers are incapable of mirroring the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs of their children. 

In this context, mirroring refers to ​​a primary caregiver’s accurate reflection of a child’s expressed thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs.

So, the child doesn’t get the validation, admiration, and reassurance that they need to construct a realistic sense of self and have a healthy cognitive development.

Without a healthy parental mirror, narcissists were left to figure out both their internal and external environment on their own. 

That’s not all…

Having emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent primary caregivers also forced the narcissist to develop many painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions about themselves.

The neglect that they experienced manipulated them into believing they were unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak.

Here’s the problem though… 

The narcissist had no way of managing these painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions because of the unhealthy cognitive development that they had.

As you can imagine, this caused the narcissist to hate themselves.

To protect themselves from their self-hatred, narcissists figured out how to get the validation, admiration, and reassurance that their primary caregivers wouldn’t, or couldn’t, give them, from society through a tactic called mirroring.

In this context, mirroring refers to a narcissist’s ability to absorb information about someone’s or a group of people’s (society) identity and use that information to create a falsified identity that others could identify with.

At a quick glance, this approach to getting validation, admiration, and reassurance seems like it would work.  

But unfortunately, all it did was make the narcissist even more emotionally unstable because they weren’t able to be their true authentic selves; only a version of themselves that they believe others would admire.

Why did this happen?

Well, the unhealthy cognitive development that narcissists had left them so incredibly stunted and immature emotionally that they were incapable of looking past society’s superficial, materialistic, and trivial exterior during the mirroring phase.

As a result, they constructed their falsified identity out of the most superficial, materialistic, and trivial aspects of their life, also known as narcissistic supply. 

If you didn’t know already, narcissistic supply is the validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control that a narcissist’s falsified identity attracts.

A simple example of this could be the attention that a narcissistic teenager gets for being the most popular kid in school.

What do narcissists use narcissistic supply for?

Well, they use it to suppress all of their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions so that they can maintain a positive self-perception. 

They need a consistent flow of narcissistic supply in order to feel emotionally stable.

Ok. 

That was a lot of information but hopefully now you have a clear picture of how narcissists are made.

So, what does this have to do with narcissism being passed down to children?

Well, narcissistic parents are notorious for being emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent. 

This is because they don’t view their children as, well, their children. They view them as sources of narcissistic supply and treat them as such.

If both of your parents are narcissists or one of them is but the other one is still emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent, it is possible for your family to be full of narcissists. 

Of course, not every kid who goes through this type of childhood upbringing turns into a narcissist. 

But when a family is controlled by emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, and inconsistent parents, there’s always a chance that they pass their narcissistic traits down to their children.

---

References:

Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, and Robert M. Pressman. The narcissistic family: Diagnosis and treatment. Jossey-Bass, 1997.

Strutzenberg, Claire. “Love-bombing: a narcissistic approach to relationship formation.” (2016).