Do This With Good Memories of Your Narcissistic Ex

You don’t need to stop thinking about the good times you had with your ex. 

Those memories are not a lie, and they shouldn’t be erased or forgotten.

But you do need to give the part of you that’s still trying to make sense of it all some context.

Because if you don’t, it will stay loyal to a version of the relationship that wasn’t designed to last.

Please listen closely here — this part is important.

The good memories you have exist because of something called intermittent reinforcement. 

This is when they mix moments of positive treatment into long stretches of negative treatment.

They’ll spend a month making you feel like you’re not good enough.

Then one day they’ll hold your hand and tell you how lucky they are to have you.

Do they do this on purpose?

Some would say yes, others would say no.

The point is: those positive moments don’t last. 

They can’t.

Because they don’t come from genuine care for your well-being.

They come from a need to feel good about themselves.

Because a narcissist’s self-image is dependent on external validation.

They need people to borderline worship them in order to feel good about themselves.

And what better way to get that than by making you feel like they’re the love of your life?

But once that need is met, the warmth gets cut off.

Because there’s no reason for them to act positively toward you anymore.

This is why it’s so important to add context to the good memories you have. 

They’re not evidence of who they could’ve been if you had just done X, Y, or Z.

They’re a tool narcissistic people use to feel good about themselves.

So how do you add context?

Our community loves using an exercise called “What Else?”

When a positive memory comes up, grab something to write or type with.

Then spend some time explaining the reason it’s a positive memory for you.

When you’re finished, ask yourself, “What else was happening at the time?”

And write or type that down too.

For example, you might write:

“We were lying on the couch on our anniversary, watching our favorite show. It felt so warm and peaceful, like we were finally in a good place.”

Then you ask:

“What else was happening at the time?”

And you might remember:

“I fell asleep on his arm that night, and the next morning he was cold and distant. He said I didn’t care about him because I fell asleep, then gave me the silent treatment for three days.”

You do this with as many positive memories as you can.

Not to change or erase them, but to remind yourself of this:

You can keep the good memories — without keeping the person who hurt you.

Final Thoughts

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Partners podcast.

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin, your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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