How to Stop a Narcissist from Devaluing You (3 Steps)

It is common for narcissists to devalue the people they abuse, leaving many wondering, “How can I get a narcissist to stop devaluing me?”

To stop a narcissist from devaluing you, you should limit the amount of information they have about you, reduce the amount of time you spend with them, and use the J.A.D.E. technique when you can’t avoid communicating with them.

In this article, I will guide you through these steps to help you better understand the strategies you can use to stop a narcissist from devaluing you.

Step 1: Limit the Amount of Information They Have about You

If you’re reading this article, you probably already know this, but narcissists often use personal information as ammunition to control, manipulate, and devalue others.

So, the first step I recommend you take is limiting the amount of information the narcissist in your life has about you. 

For example, let’s say you tell your narcissistic sibling that you’ve struggled with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt for most of your life.

You: “I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough, even as a kid. I hoped that by now, I would’ve overcome these insecurities.”

This is a problem because you’re sharing too much information with them and now they have an opportunity to devalue you.

Your Sibling: “Well, not all of us can be confident and successful. Some of us are just born to be losers and underachievers.”

You need to be mindful of the information you share, especially with individuals you suspect might have narcissistic tendencies. 

You should also be cautious about sharing information with people closely connected to the narcissist, such as flying monkeys or enablers. 

These individuals may knowingly or unknowingly share information about you with the narcissist, giving them another opportunity to devalue you.

Suggested Readings:

1.) How to Spot a Flying Monkey (10 Signs)
2.) What Are Narcissist Enablers? (A Complete Guide)

Reduce the Amount of Time You Spend with Them

Being around a narcissist for an extended period of time gives them more opportunities to devalue and manipulate you. 

Because of this, the second step I recommend you take is reducing the amount of time you spend with the narcissist in your life.

One way you could do this is by using the No Contact Method.

This means ending all forms of contact that you have with the narcissist.

This may look like:

• Not responding to their text messages or phone calls.
• Not agreeing/promising to meet up with them or “stay in touch.”
• Not checking up on their social media or keeping tabs on their posts.
• Not gathering information about them through your friends or family.
• Not accepting gifts or favors (no matter how tempting) from them.
• Not listening to music that you associate with them.
• Not digging up old photographic memories of them (with or without you in them).

The No Contact Method is an amazingly effective strategy.

However, it isn’t always an option for everyone for various reasons, such as:

• Having a child with the narcissist.
• Working with the narcissist.
• Having to see the narcissist regularly (e.g., family reunions).
• Not being able to afford to live on your own. (e.g., financial abuse)

If the No Contact Method isn’t an option, your next best bet is the Low Contact Method.

This means limiting the amount of contact you have with the narcissist in your life as much as humanly possible.

Suggested Reading: 3 Things That Happen When You Go No Contact with a Narcissist

Use the J.A.D.E. Technique When You Have to Communicate with Them

The J.A.D.E. Technique stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain.

When communicating with a narcissist, it’s important not to fall into the trap of:

• Justifying your actions.
• Arguing with their twisted logic.
• Defending your choices.
• Explaining yourself to them.

This is because engaging in these behaviors with the narcissist in your life will allow them to devalue you.

So, the third step I recommend you take to prevent the narcissist in your life from devaluing you is using the J.A.D.E. Technique.

For example, imagine you’re discussing weekend plans with a narcissist, and you decide to mention taking a self-care day to relax at home.

You: “I’ve decided to just relax at home this weekend. It’s been a long week.” 

Narcissist: “Really? You always seem to be taking breaks. Don’t you think you’re being a bit lazy? Maybe you should try being productive?”

You: “It’s just that work has been really demanding, and I’ve had other personal stuff… I’m not being lazy, I just think…”

STOP! 

You’re about to fall into the J.A.D.E. trap. 

By trying to justify and explain, you’re allowing the narcissist to continue questioning your choices, potentially leading to more devaluation.

Instead, try to give them short, clear answers like this:

You: “I’ve decided to relax at home this weekend.” 

Narcissist: “Again? Don’t you think that’s a bit lazy?” 

You: “It’s what works best for me right now.”

Then, you end the conversation right then and there.

So, by being mindful and providing concise answers, you maintain control over the narrative and minimize the opportunity for a narcissist to devalue you.

Podcast: Using J.A.D.E. to Protect Yourself from Narcissists with Ellen Biros (L.C.S.W.)

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

If you want to stop a narcissist from devaluing you, three things you can do are:

1. Limit the amount of information they have about you.
2. Reduce the amount of time you spend with them.
3. Use the J.A.D.E. technique when you can’t avoid communicating with them.