Why Do Narcissists Act the Way They Do? (6 Reasons)

A while back, I got a message from a community member asking, “Why do narcissists act the way they do?”  So I did some research and here’s what I found.

Narcissists act the way they do because they have fragile self-esteem, lack empathy, fear vulnerability, are envious of others, and need to feel validated, powerful, and in control at all times to feel emotionally stable.

In this article, I’ll guide you through each of these to help you learn the reason narcissists act the way they do.

1.) They Have Fragile Self-Esteem

Despite their outward appearance of confidence and superiority, narcissists often have very fragile self-esteem.¹ 

This fragility makes them highly sensitive to criticism or perceived slights, leading to defensive or aggressive behavior as a means to protect their ego. 

For example, if a narcissist receives even mild constructive feedback at work, they might react disproportionately, either by lashing out at the person providing the feedback or by going into a tirade about their achievements to overshadow any hint of failure. 

They could say something like, “I can’t believe you’re criticizing me when I’m the one who always has to fix everyone else’s mistakes!” 

This reaction is a defense mechanism to prevent any damage to their fragile self-image, as acknowledging flaws or mistakes directly contradicts their inflated and grandiose self-perception.

Related: 7 Ways Narcissists React to Criticism

2.) They Lack Empathy

Another reason narcissists act the way they do is their lack of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand or sense another person’s perspective, feelings, needs, or intentions, even when you don’t share the same circumstances.² 

A narcissist’s lack of empathy can and often does, lead to behaviors that are insensitive, manipulative, or even cruel.

For instance, if you’re going through a tough time and share your feelings with a narcissist, hoping for support, they might quickly steer the conversation back to themselves or dismiss your concerns outright. 

They could say something like, “That’s nothing; listen to what happened to me,” or “You’re overreacting. It’s not that big of a deal.” 

This reaction isn’t because they don’t care on a superficial level; instead, it’s because they genuinely have a hard time understanding and valuing others’ emotional experiences. 

This means their actions are not necessarily motivated by a desire to hurt but by their limited capacity for empathy, making it difficult for them to connect with others on a deeper emotional level.

Of course, this isn’t an excuse for their abuse, but it does offer valuable insights into the reasoning behind a narcissist’s abrasive and arrogant behavior.

Related: 5 Reasons Narcissists Abuse Their Partners

3.) They Need Feel Powerful and in Control

Narcissists have an overwhelming need for control, both over their environment and the people in it.³ 

This need stems from their desire to maintain their self-image and ensure that everything around them reinforces their perceived superiority and importance. 

Take a romantic narcissistic relationship as an example…

This need often manifests as controlling behavior, where the narcissist dictates what their partner can wear, who they can see, and even what they can say. 

For instance, a narcissistic partner might become upset if you make plans without consulting them first, regardless of how minor the plans are. 

They could say, “Why would you decide to go out with your friends without asking me first? You should know I had plans for us.” 

This need for control is not just about being in charge; it’s about ensuring that everything aligns with their needs and preferences, minimizing any unpredictability that could threaten their carefully constructed self-image.

Related: 3 Reasons Narcissists Are So Controlling

4.) They Need Validation

I mentioned earlier that narcissists have fragile self-esteem.

This means their feelings of self-worth are unstable, uncertain, based on unrealistically positive self-views, and dependent on external validation.⁴

This dependence drives narcissists to seek out situations where they can be the center of attention, often at the expense of others.

For example, imagine you’re at a work meeting, and a colleague of yours, who has narcissistic tendencies, starts boasting about a project they led that was successful. 

They exaggerate the success and their role in it, seeking approval and admiration from everyone in the room. 

They might even interrupt others or dismiss their contributions to keep everyone’s focus on themselves. 

This attention-seeking behavior is a way for them to secure the validation they crave and reinforce their grandiose self-perception, and it often leaves the people around them feeling invalidated and insignificant.

5.) They Fear Vulnerability

At the heart of many narcissistic behaviors is a deep-seated fear of vulnerability. 

Narcissists go to great lengths to avoid showing any weakness or exposing themselves to potential hurt or rejection. 

This fear leads them to construct a facade of toughness and invulnerability, which can manifest as an unwillingness to engage in open and honest communication.⁵ 

For instance, in a moment that calls for emotional openness, a narcissist might deflect with humor, change the subject, or even react with anger. 

If you try to discuss how their behavior hurts you, they might respond with something like, “You’re too sensitive. I was just joking,” or “I don’t have time for this drama.” 

This avoidance is not necessarily because they don’t experience deep feelings but because acknowledging those feelings makes them feel exposed and at risk of being hurt, something their fragile self-esteem can’t tolerate.

Related: 7 Things Narcissists Fear the Most

6.) They Are Envious of Others

Narcissists feel intense envy towards others who they perceive as having more, doing better, or receiving more attention than them.⁶

This often causes them to act out in ways that diminish others.

For example, suppose a colleague receives praise for a project well done. 

In that case, a narcissist might respond by belittling that achievement in an attempt to shift the focus back to themselves. 

They could say something like:

“Well, that project was pretty straightforward. You should see the results of the one I’m working on; it’s far more complex and impactful.” 

This reaction stems from their inability to feel genuine happiness for others’ success, as it threatens their sense of superiority and specialness.

Conclusion

I hope this article helped you understand some of the core reasons narcissists act the way they do.

Thanks a bunch for reading!

If you have any questions or want to share your take on this topic, hit up the comments. I enjoy our talks and can’t wait to hear from you.

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