5 Reasons Narcissists Put You Down

Our community had this question: “Why do narcissists put you down?” I searched for answers. Here’s what I came up with.

As a general rule, narcissists put you down to maintain power and control over you, validate their grandiose sense of self-importance, project their shortcomings onto you, keep you at a distance, and isolate you from your support network.

In this article, I will guide you through these so that you can grasp a better understanding of the reasons narcissists put people down.

1.) To Maintain Control and Power Over You

To feel emotionally stable, narcissists need to maintain power and control over their surrounding environment and everyone inside of it.¹ 

Putting you down helps them assert their dominance and keep you in a position where you’re more likely to depend on them.

When this happens, it is much easier for the narcissist to manipulate the dynamics of your relationship in a way that gives them the power and control they’re looking for.

For example, imagine your partner is a narcissist, and they frequently criticize how you dress. 

They often say things like, “Are you really going out wearing that? You don’t look nearly as good as you think.” 

These put-downs can make you doubt your sense of style and self-confidence, leading you to seek their approval for your clothing choices. 

Therefore, by making you question your judgments, they ensure that you rely on them more, cementing their position of power and control in the relationship.

Related: 8 Powerful Tactics That Narcissists Use to Control You

2.) To Validate Their Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

A grandiose sense of self-importance is one of the core characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).²

It is more than just arrogance or vanity.

Grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. 

In other words, narcissists believe they are unique or special and can only be understood by other unique or special people.³ 

The problem with this is that this belief is forced.

You see, deep down, narcissists struggle with feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak.

But because they lack the emotional skills to handle these thoughts, feelings, and emotions healthily, they must find ways to validate their grandiose sense of self-importance to feel emotionally stable.

Unfortunately, putting you down is one way they do this.

For example, let’s say you’ve just achieved something significant at work, like a promotion or a big project success. 

A narcissistic friend might belittle your achievement by saying something like:

“It’s not that big of a deal. Anyone could have done it if they’d been in the right place at the right time.” 

Why?

Your success is a threat to the narcissist because it triggers all of the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions they struggle with.⁴

So, by putting you down, they can validate their grandiose sense of self-importance, thereby soothing their emotional turmoil.

3.) To Project Their Shortcomings onto You

Have you heard of the term “projection” before?

It is a psychological defense mechanism where an individual attributes their own unwanted thoughts, feelings, or motives to another person.⁵

It is common for narcissists to use projection to avoid taking responsibility for their shortcomings, and this can often manifest in the form of put-downs.

For example, suppose a narcissist is feeling guilty about not being truthful. In that case, they might start accusing you of lying or being deceitful, even when you’re being completely honest. 

They could say something like, “I can’t believe anything you say; you’re always twisting the truth. You’re a pathological liar, and it is disgusting.” 

This accusation can be baffling and hurtful, but it isn’t true.

The narcissist is putting you down via projection to avoid confronting the guilt they have about being a dishonest person.⁶

Related: 7 Reasons Narcissists Use Projection

4.) To Keep You At a Distance

One of the biggest fears narcissists have is being exposed.⁷

What do I mean by this?

Do you remember I told you in a previous section narcissists struggle with feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak?

Well, they do not want you to know they feel this way about themselves.

They spend every second of every day trying to keep people at a distance to ensure they never get close enough to see their true selves.

You might’ve already guessed it, but put-downs are a tactic they use to do this.

For example, say you’re trying to have a heartfelt conversation with a narcissist about your feelings or the future of your relationship. 

In response, they mock your concerns or trivialize your feelings with comments like, “You’re always so dramatic about these things. Can’t we have a normal conversation without you getting all emotional?” 

They’re responding this way (putting you down) to keep you at a distance and prevent themselves from engaging in a discussion that could lead to exposure.

5.) To Isolate You from Your Support Network

Narcissists recognize the power of a strong support network.

In fact, they commonly try to undermine yours to ensure you remain isolated from them and, therefore, are more easily controlled. 

One of the ways they do this is through put-downs.

This could mean putting down those close to you, but it could also mean putting you down for the people you associate with.

For example, a narcissist might make disparaging remarks about your group of friends, questioning their loyalty and criticizing you for allowing them to be in your life.

“Do you really think they have your best interests at heart? They seem selfish to me. You’ve always been pathetically terrible at reading people.”

This tactic is designed to erode your trust in your support network, making you feel as though the narcissist is the only one you can rely on.

If done successfully, your chances of gaining perspectives that could challenge the narcissist’s influence over you reduce drastically.

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you found it informative!

I’d love to hear from you now. Do you have any thoughts or questions?

If so, please drop them in the comments!

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