6 Tactics Narcissists Use to Make You Doubt Yourself

Our community threw this question at us: “How do narcissistic individuals make you doubt yourself?” I spent some time looking into it, and here’s what I found.

A narcissist will use gaslighting, blame-shifting, self-victimization, backhanded compliments, triangulation, stonewalling, and many other manipulative tactics to get you to doubt yourself.

In this article, I’ll give you examples of the tactics I just listed to help you understand how a narcissist could use them to cause self-doubt.

1.) Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” refers to when someone doubts or denies reality, causing others to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.¹

It is a common form of manipulation narcissists use to get the people they abuse to doubt themselves and the world around them. 

Here’s an example:

You: “Didn’t you say you were going to take care of the bills this month? I remember you mentioned it last week.”

The Narcissist: “I never said that. You’re always making things up. I think you’re trying to push your responsibilities onto me.”

You: “What? No. I was sure you did. Maybe I got it wrong then…”

The Narcissist: “You always forget things. You can’t keep track of important details. You should really see a doctor or something.”

In this example, the narcissist denies saying something that they actually did (taking care of the bills) and then suggests you have a poor memory, are irresponsible, and make things up, causing you to doubt yourself.

Related: How to Stop a Narcissist from Gaslighting You (3 Steps)

2.) Blame-Shifting

The term “blame-shifting” refers to when someone tries to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by blaming someone else.²

It is a tactic narcissists use to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and it can cause tremendous self-doubt in the people they abuse.

Here’s an example:

You: “Why didn’t you tell me you would be late? I waited for an hour.”

The Narcissist: “Why didn’t I tell you? You should have known my day was hectic. It’s your fault for not remembering my schedule. You always expect me to keep you updated on every little thing.”

You: “I just thought we agreed to communicate better. I didn’t know your day was that busy.”

The Narcissist: “It seems like you never pay attention to what’s going on with me. If you did, you wouldn’t be blaming me for being late. You’re supposed to support me, but instead, you’re making it about your feelings.”

In this dialogue, the narcissist shifts the blame for their lateness onto you, accusing you of not remembering their schedule. 

This allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their lack of communication and can cause you to question your actions and whether you’re being unsupportive or forgetful, leading to self-doubt.

3.) Self-Victimization 

The term “self-victimization” refers to someone falsely portraying themselves as an innocent or wronged party.

Narcissists use this tactic to gain sympathy, avoid blame, or justify their actions,³ and it can cause a lot of self-doubt for the people around them.

Here’s an example:

You: “I was really hurt when you criticized me in front of our friends.”

The Narcissist: “Hurt? You don’t know how your actions have been affecting me. I’ve been under so much stress because of you, and I just reached my limit. Now you’re making me out to be the bad guy?”

You: “I didn’t mean to cause you stress. I thought we could talk about things openly.”

The Narcissist: “You always say that, but here I am, suffering because of your expectations. You’re making it hard for me to be myself. Everyone sees me as the problem now because of you.”

In this scenario, the narcissist responds to a legitimate concern by portraying themselves as the real victim, suffering under the alleged pressures and expectations placed on them by you. 

This tactic diverts attention from their hurtful behavior and makes you question the validity of your feelings and whether you’re actually the cause of the narcissist’s distress, thereby causing self-doubt.

4.) Backhanded Compliments

The term “backhanded compliments” refers to when someone makes a remark that seems to be an insult but could also be a compliment.⁴

These are difficult to address because the narcissist can claim that you misunderstood them or that you’re being “too sensitive” and can’t take a joke.

Either way, it causes a lot of self-doubt; here’s an example:

You: “I finally finished the project. It took me weeks, but I’m proud of it.”

The Narcissist: “Wow, you actually finished it. I’m impressed. For someone with your lack of experience, I wouldn’t have expected it to turn out as decent as it did.”

You: “Oh, thanks… I think. I worked really hard on it.”

Narcissist: “You should. It’s surprising, really. Most people with your background might not have managed even half as well. You’re doing quite well for your level.”

In this example, the narcissist’s compliments are laced with insults, subtly undermining your skills and achievements by expressing surprise at your success, given your “lack of experience” and “background.” 

This can cause you to doubt your abilities and wonder if your achievements are genuinely worthy of pride or merely good for someone of your supposed “low capability.”

5.) Triangulation

The term “triangulation” refers to when someone turns a one-on-one situation into a two-on-one situation by involving a third party. 

A narcissist will often use this tactic to maintain power and control over the people they abuse,⁵ and it can cause one to doubt themselves.

Here’s an example:

You: “I feel like you’ve been distant lately. Is everything okay between us?”

The Narcissist: “Distant? I don’t think so. You know, when I talked to Alex about it, they mentioned that you might be too needy, and that’s probably why you feel this way. It’s not me being distant; it’s your expectations.”

You: “Oh, I didn’t realize others saw me that way. Maybe I am being too needy.”

The Narcissist: “It’s not just me, see? Maybe you should think about how you come across to others. Even Alex sees it. I’m just trying to manage everything the best I can.”

In this scenario, the narcissist introduces the opinion of a third party, Alex, to validate their own perspective and to invalidate your feelings. 

By suggesting that someone else agrees with their viewpoint, the narcissist aims to create doubt in your mind about your behavior, feelings, perceptions, and the validity of your concerns. 

If done successfully, this tactic can make you feel isolated and unsupported, which will most likely amplify your self-doubt.

Related: 6 Examples of Triangulation In a Narcissistic Relationship

6.) Stonewalling

The term “stonewalling” refers to when someone delays or obstructs a request, process, or person by being evasive or refusing to answer questions.⁶

More often than not, in narcissistic relationships, this manifests in the form of the silent treatment, which can cause one to doubt themselves.⁷

But so you can see what it looks like, here’s a verbal example of stonewalling:

You: “We need to talk about what happened last night’s party. I felt embarrassed by some of the things you said about me.”

The Narcissist: …*nothing but silence*…

You: “Aren’t you going to say anything? Your comments really hurt me.”

The Narcissist: “I don’t see why we need to discuss this now.”

You: “But it’s important to me. Can’t you see how your words affected me?”

The Narcissist: “I think you’re overreacting. There’s nothing to talk about.”

You: “So, you’re not going to acknowledge my feelings at all?”

The Narcissist: “I have nothing to add to this conversation.”

In this example, the narcissist uses stonewalling by being evasive and refusing to engage in a conversation about their hurtful behavior. 

This refusal to communicate or acknowledge your feelings not only obstructs any resolution but also makes you question your own response to the situation (“Am I overreacting?”). 

This can lead to a significant amount of self-doubt, as the lack of validation or acknowledgment makes you question the validity of your own emotions and perspective.

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

A narcissist will use a variety of different manipulation tactics to make you doubt yourself, including:

• Gaslighting.
• Blame-shifting.
• Self-victimization.
• Backhanded compliments.
• Triangulation.
• Stonewalling

I appreciate you reading this article. I hope you found it helpful! If you have anything you’d like to say, drop a comment. I’m here and looking forward to chatting with you.

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