10 Things That Trigger Feelings of Shame within a Narcissist

Believe it or not, behind a narcissist’s grandiose self-perception lies many painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions, including shame, that they struggle with regularly.

Narcissists experience intense feelings of shame when their grandiose self-perception gets contradicted. This is because contradictions to their self-perception trigger the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions they have about themselves, such as feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak.

In this article, I will guide you through ten ways that a narcissist’s grandiose self-perception could be contradicted so that you can better understand the situations that could trigger a narcissist’s feelings of shame.

1.) Being Criticized

The first thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is criticism.

Narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism because they construct their self-image from external validation and admiration, also known as narcissistic supply.

Because of this, it is common for a narcissist to view any critique or perceived critique as a direct attack on their self-image.

When their self-image is threatened, it triggers shame because it exposes the gap between their grandiose public persona and their insecure authentic self.

2.) Experiencing Failure

The second thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is failure.

You see, a core characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is grandiosity. 

This grandiosity causes narcissists to develop an inflated sense of their abilities and worth. Because of this, they often see themselves as superior and infallible. 

Therefore, any real or perceived failure experience presents a significant discordance between their grandiose self-perception and reality. 

This discordance triggers feelings of shame within the narcissist because it exposes their human fallibility and limitations.

3.) Being Rejection

The third thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is rejection.

As I mentioned in the first section of this article, narcissists have an intense need for admiration and validation from others. 

Researchers believe that this need stems from their fragile high self-esteem.

Fragile high self-esteem means one’s feelings of self-worth are unstable, uncertain, based on unrealistically positive self-views, and entirely dependent on external validation and self-deception.

Suggested Reading: Do Narcissists Have Low Self-Esteem?

When a narcissist experiences rejection, it prevents them from getting the external validation they desperately need to maintain a positive self-perception.

Rejection, and subsequently, the realization that they are not universally admired, can, and often does, trigger feelings of shame because it contradicts the narcissist’s grandiose self-perception.

4.) Having Their Flaws or Mistakes Exposed

Narcissists spend most of their time using deception, manipulation, and grandiosity to portray an image of “perfection” to themselves and others. 

So, the fourth thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is having their flaws or mistakes exposed to others.

Suggested Reading: What Happens When You Expose a Narcissist to Others?

This is because being exposed dismantles their illusion of perfection.

This exposure can trigger feelings of shame because it constantly reminds them of their imperfections and contradicts their grandiose self-perception.

5.) Losing Control Over Others

The fifth thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is losing control over their environment and the people within it.

Suggested Reading: 8 Ways Narcissists React When They Can’t Control You

If you didn’t know already, narcissists strongly desire control.

Control is one of the core elements of narcissistic supply (i.e., validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control).

Narcissists have this desire because being in control allows them to maintain their grandiose self-perception and avoid feelings of vulnerability.

If they were to lose control, the loss would contradict their self-perception, amplify their feelings of vulnerability, and subsequently trigger their feelings of shame.

6.) Having Someone Disagree with Them

The six thing that could trigger a narcissist’s feelings of shame are disagreements.

As I mentioned, narcissists typically believe they’re infallible (i.e., incapable of making mistakes or being wrong.)

Because of this, they typically view their ideas, opinions, and actions as the best or the most correct. 

If someone disagreed with them, the disagreement would create tremendous psychological tension between the reality of the narcissist’s fallibility and their own belief in infallibility. 

Suggested Reading: 4 Reasons You Should Never Argue With a Narcissist

This tension would most likely trigger the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions that narcissists have within themselves, including shame.

7.) Failing to Meet Their Self-Imposed Standards

One of the many disadvantages that narcissists impose on themselves by maintaining a grandiose self-perception is having incredibly high standards for themselves.

So, the seventh thing that could trigger a narcissist’s feelings of shame is failing to meet their self-imposed standards.

This is because the standard that narcissists impose on themselves helps them maintain their sense of superiority. 

When they fail to meet these self-imposed standards, it challenges their self-perception of perfection and success. 

This challenge can trigger feelings of shame because it contradicts their grandiose self-perception and constantly reminds them of their human limitations.

8.) Change In Social Status or Relationships

The eighth thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is a change in social status or relationships. 

In a previous section of this article, I said that narcissists’ feelings of self-worth are unstable, uncertain, based on unrealistically positive self-views, and entirely dependent on external validation and self-deception.

Well, one of the ways that narcissists maintain positive feelings of self-worth is by using their social status and important relationships to get external validation.

Suggested Reading: Why Do Narcissists Get Into Relationships?

A loss in social status or a significant change in relationships, such as losing a job or getting a divorce, would undermine this external source of validation. 

As a result, they would most likely experience tremendous shame because the lack of external validation would prevent them from maintaining their positive sense of self-worth.

9.) Being the Subject of Gossip or Rumors

The ninth thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is being the subject of gossip or rumors. 

You see, because of their dependence on external validation, narcissists spend an extraordinary amount of time maintaining a positive public persona. 

Given their intense concern about their image and how others perceive them, being the subject of gossip or rumors can be particularly damaging for narcissists. 

Why?

Because being the subject of gossip or rumors could expose their flaws, mistakes, or vulnerabilities to a wider audience.

This exposure would contract their carefully curated public image and prevent them from getting the external validation they desperately need.

Without external validation, narcissists’ painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions, including shame, get triggered because of their inability to maintain a positive self-perception without the validation of others.

10.) Coming to the Realization That They Are Aging

The tenth thing that could trigger feelings of shame within a narcissist is the realization that they are getting older.

Suggested Reading: 3 Reasons That Narcissists Get Worse As They Get Older

You see, for narcissists, aging represents a profound challenge to their self-perception. 

Their inflated self-image often includes beliefs about their own attractiveness, vitality, and physical superiority. 

As they age, they face the universal, inevitable changes that come with it, such as physical decline, changes in appearance, decreased strength, and/or health issues. 

These changes contradict their belief in their exceptionalism and can trigger intense feelings of shame.

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

Narcissists typically experience intense feelings of shame when their grandiose self-perception gets contradicted.

This is because these type of contradictions trigger the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions they have about themselves.

While it can be hard to believe, behind the grandiose self-perception narcissists have are feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak.

When triggered, these thoughts, feelings, and emotions create feelings of shame.