5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Argue with a Narcissist

A question we got from one of our community members during our last therapist-led Q&A session was, “Why shouldn’t I argue with the narcissist?”

It would be best if you didn’t argue with a narcissist because arguing can:

1. Leave you feeling invalidated.
2. Give narcissists narcissistic supply.
3. Allow narcissists to manipulate you.
4. Cause self-blame.
5. Trigger narcissistic rage.

In this article, I will guide you through these five reasons so you can better understand why you shouldn’t argue with the narcissist in your life.

1.) Arguing Can Leave You Feeling Invalidated

First, you shouldn’t argue with a narcissist because it can leave you feeling invalidated.

How?

Well, narcissists lack empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person’s feelings. 

A narcissist’s lack of empathy means they struggle to understand or share your feelings, which makes it unlikely for them to see your perspective in an argument.

For example, imagine you confront a narcissist about how their actions hurt you. You say, “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans last minute to go out with your friends.” 

A narcissist’s lack of empathy could cause them to respond with, “You’re always so sensitive. I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”

In this example, the narcissist dismisses your feelings, tells you you are overly sensitive and doesn’t acknowledge or apologize for their actions. 

This can make you feel invalidated as if your feelings don’t matter or aren’t justified.

2.) Arguments Give Them Narcissistic Supply

The term “narcissistic supply” refers to the validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control narcissists constantly seek from others.

It is often thought of as positive attention, but for a narcissist, any positive or negative attention can be used as a source of supply.

Suggested Reading: What Is Narcissistic Supply?

Because of this, narcissists often seek out arguments when they need more supply.

For example, imagine you are minding your own business when the narcissist in your life brings up a past argument the two of you had. 

They say, “Remember when you complained about me ‘interrupting’ you?”

You respond, “Yes. I feel frustrated when you interrupt me because it makes me feel like you’re not listening.”

They say, “You’re just trying to make me look bad. You always play the victim.”

In this example, the narcissist brought up a past argument you had to create a confrontation. 

Suggested Reading: 5 Reasons Narcissists Bring Up the Past

When you engage, the narcissist dismisses your feelings, accuses you of playing the victim, and makes the argument about themselves. 

Even though the attention they are getting is negative, the fact that you are engaging with them and responding emotionally provides them with narcissistic supply. 

This reinforces their behavior because they learn that by dismissing your feelings and playing the victim, they can elicit a response (narcissistic supply) from you.

3.) Arguments Allow Them to Manipulate You

The third reason you shouldn’t argue with a narcissist is that arguments allow them to manipulate you.

You see, the number one rule when protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse is to restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the narcissist.

Suggested Reading: How to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist (6 Strategies)

A meaningful interaction is any interaction that gives the narcissist access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs, such as an argument.

For example, imagine you are having an argument with the narcissist in your life, and you say, “No, you’re wrong. I remember you promising to help me this weekend,” 

Even though they did promise to help you, by engaging, you allow them to manipulate you.

For instance, the narcissist could gaslight you (a manipulation tactic) by saying, “I never said that. You must be remembering it wrong.”

This could leave you confused and invalidated, causing you to question your sanity, memories, and perception of reality.

Fortunately, situations like this can be avoiding if you restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the narcissist in your life (no arguing).

4.) Arguments Can Cause Self-Blame

The fourth reason you shouldn’t argue with a narcissist is arguments can cause self-blame.

You see, narcissists often perceive disagreement or criticism as a personal attack. 

This is because they have a fragile sense of self-worth and need to defend themselves aggressively to maintain their positive self-image.

For example, imagine you are arguing with a narcissist because they refuse to help around the house.

You say, “I noticed you didn’t put your dishes in the dishwasher. I would really appreciate it if you did because it makes it easier for me to clean up.” 

Unfortunately, a narcissist might interpret this as a criticism and respond defensively, saying, “You’re always criticizing me and telling me what to do!”

Over time, interactions like this can leave you feeling like you’ve done something wrong (self-blame) by expressing your thoughts or setting boundaries. 

5.) Arguing Could Trigger Narcissistic Rage 

The fifth reason you shouldn’t argue with a narcissist is arguing could cause them to fly into a narcissistic rage.

Narcissistic rage is an intense, uncontrollable anger that narcissists exhibit when they feel criticized, slighted, or challenged, and it can manifest as verbal or physical abuse.

Suggested Reading: What Is Narcissistic Rage? (A Complete Guide)

For example, imagine you confront a narcissist about their belittling comments by saying, “It hurts me when you make those comments.” 

Feeling threatened by the criticism, a narcissist might respond with narcissistic rage.

They could say, “You’re always playing the victim! Maybe if you took better care of yourself, I wouldn’t have to say anything!”

Then, they could go a step further by physically lashing out (e.g., hitting you or something near you).

This can be incredibly frightening and damaging, both physically and emotionally. 

So, it’s important to prioritize your safety by not arguing with a narcissist because arguments could lead to verbally and/or physically abusive situations.

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

Unfortunately, narcissists use many tactics to get you to argue with them.

But as a general rule, you should always try to avoid arguing with the narcissist in your life because arguments:

1. Leave you feeling invalidated.
2. Give narcissists narcissistic supply.
3. Allow narcissists to manipulate you.
4. Cause self-blame.
5. Trigger narcissistic rage.

About the Author