There are many different manipulation tactics that narcissists use to trick you into engaging in an argument with them. To be honest, nobody would blame you if you did argue with the narcissist in your life, but as a general rule, you should always try to avoid arguments with a narcissist.
You shouldn’t argue with a narcissist because it will give them an opportunity to invalidate you, it makes them more aggressive because they are high in neuroticism and have low emotional intelligence, they will try to destroy your self-esteem, and because they won’t respect anything that you have to say.
This article will guide you through the different reasons that you shouldn’t argue with a narcissist and will give you a better understanding of how you should handle the narcissist in your life.
Arguing Gives Them an Opportunity to Invalidate You
The first reason that you should never argue with a narcissist is because it gives them an opportunity to invalidate you.
Invalidation is the process of denying, rejecting or dismissing someone’s feelings.
When a narcissist invalidates you, they are essentially telling you that your subjective emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable.
Over time, this can gaslight you into believing that your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable.
Developing this mindset is actually quite dangerous and can keep you trapped within the narcissistic abuse cycle for months, years, or even decades.
So, you are going to want to limit the amount of opportunities that a narcissist has to invalidate you.
The only way that you can do this is by restraining yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the narcissist in your life.
A meaningful interaction is any interaction that gives the narcissist access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs, such as an argument.
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The Gray Rock Method is one of the best techniques that you can use to restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the narcissist in your life. If you’d like more information about it, check out our article “What Is the Gray Rock Method?“
They Are High in Neuroticism and Have Low Emotional Intelligence
The second reason that you shouldn’t argue with a narcissist is because they are high in neuroticism and have low emotional intelligence.
Neuroticism is a trait that reflects a person’s level of emotional stability.
Some of the defining characteristics1 of high neuroticism that narcissists typically have are poor emotional stability, an inability to manage stress, a tendency to interpret neutral situations as threatening, and difficulty controlling urges or emotions.
It is important to note that not all narcissists are high in neuroticism. In fact, research indicates that vulnerable narcissists are highly neurotic and grandiose narcissists are relatively emotionally stable.2
However, narcissism is on a continuum.
A continuum is a continuous sequence in which adjacent elements are not perceptibly different from each other, but the extremes are quite distinct.
This means that narcissists who are on the extreme end of the continuum for a specific personality type (e.g. vulnerable) are clearly different from those who are on the extreme end of a different personality type (e.g. grandiose).
As you travel closer to the center of the continuum, you will begin to notice that a lot of the characteristics each narcissistic personality has will begin to overlap with one another.
It is for this reason that we’ve made a general statement by saying “Narcissists are high in neuroticism.“
Ok. Let’s move onto low emotional intelligence.
Low emotional intelligence refers to the inability to accurately perceive emotions (in both yourself and others) and to use that information to guide your thinking and actions.
Some of the defining characteristics3 of low emotional intelligence that narcissists typically have are poor coping skills, emotional outbursts, and disagreeableness.
These characteristics are a big part of the reason that narcissists are prone to experiencing narcissistic injuries.
A narcissistic injury is essentially an ego injury, but because of the low emotional intelligence and painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions that narcissists have, they often have an explosive response to narcissistic injuries.
What do we mean by this?
Well, narcissists do a really good job at presenting themselves as charming, charismatic, and confident. But deep down they feel unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak.
Unfortunately, because of their low emotional intelligence, narcissists are incapable of managing these thoughts, feelings, and emotions on their own.
Instead, they rely on narcissistic supply and projection to keep their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions suppressed and their falsified identity intact.
When a narcissist experiences a contradiction to their falsified identity, it triggers all of their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions and causes a narcissistic injury.
As a general rule, narcissists typically respond to narcissistic injuries with narcissistic rage.
For example, one of the defining characteristics of narcissism is a grandiose sense of self-importance.
This is an unrealistic sense of specialness and superiority that causes an individual to truly believe that they are unique and better than others.
If you were to get into an argument with the narcissist in your life about something abusive that they’ve done, it would contradict their grandiose sense of self-importance.
As we mentioned before, a contradiction like this will cause them to experience a narcissistic injury and most likely fly into a narcissistic rage because they are high in neuroticism and low in emotional intelligence.
So, to sum everything up that has been stated so far, one of the reasons you don’t want to argue with a narcissist is because they are typically high in neuroticism and have low emotional intelligence.
The combination of the two makes narcissists extremely prone to narcissistic injuries.
When a narcissist experiences something that contradicts their falsified identity, such as an argument, they experience a narcissistic injury and typically fly into a narcissistic rage.
During a narcissistic rage you are likely to experience intense forms of physical, psychological, and sometimes even sexual abuse.
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Our articles “What Is Narcissistic Rage?“ and “What Happens During Narcissistic Rage?“ will help you grasp a comprehensive understanding of narcissistic rage.
They Will Try to Destroy Your Self-Esteem During an Argument
The third reason that you should avoid arguments with a narcissist is because they will try to destroy your self-esteem during an argument.
Why?
As we mentioned in the previous section, narcissists have many painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions that they can’t manage because of low emotional intelligence.
One of the ways that they make up for this is by projecting them onto others.
Projection is a defense mechanism that occurs when someone takes a part of their identity that they find unacceptable and places it onto someone else.
For example, a cheating husband accusing his wife of cheating instead of taking responsibility for his own actions.
The painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions that narcissists have are the parts of their identity that they find unacceptable.
One of the ways that the narcissist in your life projects his/her painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions onto you is by destroying your self-esteem.
Generally speaking, they do this by abusing and manipulating you.
The reason that narcissists will try to destroy your self-esteem any chance that they get is because it allows them to figuratively point their finger at you and think to themselves, “He/she is the one who is unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak, not me.”
This is projection.
So, you shouldn’t argue with a narcissist because it gives them an opportunity to manage their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions by projecting them onto you and destroying your self-esteem.
They Aren’t Going to Respect Anything That You Have to Say
The fourth reason you don’t want to argue with a narcissist is because they aren’t going to respect anything that you have to say.
As we mentioned earlier in this article, one of the defining characteristics of narcissism is a grandiose sense of self-importance.
This is an unrealistic sense of specialness and superiority that causes an individual to truly believe that they are unique and better than others.
The sense of superiority that narcissists have is one of the most terrifying parts of having a narcissist in your life.
You see, narcissists don’t view you as a person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs of your own.
They view you as a source of narcissistic supply that they are entitled to maintaining power and control over.
If you didn’t know already, narcissistic supply is validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control.
The well-being of a narcissist is heavily dependent on the amount of narcissistic supply they can get from their surrounding environment.
This is because narcissists use narcissistic supply to suppress all of their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
When they don’t get enough narcissistic supply, that is when they will start using abuse and manipulation to project their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions onto others.
Because of this, narcissists are never going to respect anything that you say during an argument.
Their only concern is going to be getting narcissistic supply, and if that isn’t possible, destroying your self-esteem so that they can project their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions onto you.
Recommended Article:
Our article “What Do Narcissists Want In a Relationship?“ has more information about the way that narcissists view the people that they abuse.
What Should You Take Away From This Article?
Arguing with a narcissist is never a good idea. Your best bet is to restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with them at all costs.
Disclaimer
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case.