When you distance yourself from the narcissist in your life, they’ll often use a tactic called hoovering to try to “win” you back and regain control over the relationship.
This can manifest in many ways, including:
- Making promises to change.
- Playing the victim.
- Offering fake apologies.
- Pretending to be vulnerable.
- Involving friends or family.
- Creating fake emergencies.
- Flaunting a new relationship.
- Offering help.
- Using children or pets as leverage.
- Giving you the silent treatment and then reappearing.
- Gaslighting your memories.
- Showing sudden kindness.
In this article, I’ll explain each of these hoovering tactics to help you recognize them and protect yourself from being drawn back into the cycle.
1.) Promises to Change
A narcissist will often promise they’ve changed or say they’re ready to improve, hoping you’ll believe them and take them back.1
For example, they might say something like:
“I’ve started going to therapy and working on myself. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve learned from them. This time will be different—I promise I’ll treat you better.”
They make it sound like they’ve really changed, but in reality, their behavior probably hasn’t changed at all. They just want to regain control.
Suggested Reading: 6 Reasons Narcissists Make False Promises
2.) Playing the Victim
The narcissist will act like they’re the one who’s been wronged, trying to make you feel guilty for leaving and pushing you to come back.
For example, they might say:
“I can’t believe you’d leave me like this after everything we’ve been through. You know I’ve been struggling, and now I’m all alone. How could you do this to me?”
By making themselves look like the victim, they try to make you feel responsible for their pain.2
Suggested Reading: Why Do Narcissists Play the Victim? (7 Reasons)
3.) Fake Apologies
The narcissist will give what sounds like a sincere apology, but they never truly take responsibility for their actions.3
For example, they might say:
“I’m so sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I was going through a lot.”
Instead of actually owning up to their mistakes, they use vague excuses and hope their apology will make you forget what they did.
4.) Pretending to Be Vulnerable
The narcissist will act like they’re emotionally fragile, making you feel like they desperately need your help or support.
For example, they might say:
“I’m really struggling without you. I don’t know what to do—I can’t get through this on my own.”
They use this fake vulnerability to tug at your heartstrings, hoping you’ll feel obligated to help them.4
5.) Involving Friends or Family
They’ll bring mutual friends, family members, or even children into the situation to convince you to reconnect.
For example, they might say:
“Your mom was asking about you. She’s really worried, and she thinks we should talk.”
By involving others, they try to create pressure, making you feel like you’re letting more than just them down.5
6.) Fabricating Emergencies
The narcissist will create or exaggerate crises to make you feel like you need to drop everything and help them.6
For example, they might say:
“I just got into an accident, and I don’t know who else to call. I really need you right now.”
By making the situation seem urgent, they hope you’ll set aside your boundaries and rush to help them.
7.) Flaunting a New Relationship
The narcissist may deliberately show off a new relationship to make you feel jealous or like you made a mistake by leaving.7
For example, they might say:
“I’ve met someone new, and things are going great. They understand me in ways you never did.”
They hope that by making you feel replaced, you’ll want to come back and compete for their attention.
Suggested Reading: Why Do Narcissists Show Off Their New Supply? (5 Reasons)
8.) Offering Help
They offer practical help or favors, trying to make themselves seem indispensable.
For instance, they might say:
“I know things have been tough for you lately. Let me help you with the bills, or I can take care of the car repairs for you.”
They use these offers to make you feel like you need them, but their real goal is to regain control over your life.8
9.) Using Children or Pets
The narcissist will use shared children or pets to maintain contact or make you feel guilty for leaving.
For example, they might say:
“The kids really miss you. Don’t you think we should at least talk for their sake?”
By using children or pets as emotional bait, they try to manipulate your love and concern to reconnect.
Suggested Reading: 7 Ways Narcissists Turn Children Into Flying Monkeys
10.) Silent Treatment & Reappearing
They alternate between completely ignoring you and suddenly reappearing, hoping to confuse and unsettle you emotionally.9
For example, they might go weeks without contacting you, only to send a random message like:
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about you. I miss our talks.”
By disappearing and then suddenly reaching out, they hope to create uncertainty and make you question whether cutting them off was the right choice.
Suggested Reading: How to Respond to a Narcissist’s Silent Treatment (3 Methods)
11.) Gaslighting Your Memories
They twist your memories of the past, making you question your own experiences and feelings.
For instance, they might say:
“You’re remembering things wrong. I wasn’t that bad—it was just a misunderstanding.”
By making you doubt your version of events, they hope you’ll start second-guessing your reasons for leaving and reconsider your decision.10
Suggested Reading: 100 Common Gaslighting Phrases (Survey)
12.) Sudden Kindness
Out of nowhere, they start acting incredibly kind and thoughtful, trying to make you question whether they were ever really toxic or abusive.
For example, they might say:
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and I just want to make sure you’re okay. Let me know if you need anything.”
This sudden burst of kindness is designed to make you wonder if they’ve changed, though it’s often just a temporary tactic to draw you back in.11
Final Thoughts
Thank you for taking the time to read and educate yourself on these hoovering tactics.
By recognizing these behaviors, you’re already taking important steps to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries.
I hope this knowledge empowers you to move forward and build a healthier, stronger future, free from the narcissist’s influence.
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About the Author
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I experienced narcissistic abuse for several years and was shocked by just how common it is. I create these articles to spread awareness.
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