How to Stop People Pleasing After Narcissistic Abuse

If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse and struggle with people-pleasing, you’re in the right place.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through a two-part framework a woman we’re working with used to overcome her people-pleasing tendencies, so you can use it too.

You’ll learn what to do, how to do it, and Dr. Mishel Rych, a therapist with 17 years of experience, will explain why this framework works.

If we’re just meeting — my name is Juliana Akin. I’m a founder of Unfilteredd, and we help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse so you can heal and move forward with your life.

Part 1: Practice Self-Expression

The first part of this framework is practicing self-expression.

This means regularly putting yourself in safe situations that require you to express what you think, feel, need, or want.

To do this, the woman we’re working with would do things like going into a café already knowing she wants a coffee, but ordering tea instead.

Then, right before they started making it, she’d ask to switch to coffee.

This is an act of self-expression. It was never about the drink. It was about proving to her system that she no longer has to self-abandon to stay safe.

But if you’re not comfortable doing something like this yet, no problem — there are a million other ways you can practice self-expression, like:

– Posting a thought or opinion on social media
– Leaving a short review for something you liked or didn’t like
– Or choosing what music to play when you’re with someone

This list could go on forever — but as a general rule: If it requires you to express what you think, feel, need, or want, it counts as self-expression.

So, when you’re ready to give this step a try, here are some guidelines to keep in mind:

1. Choose low-stakes situations where self-expression won’t lead to serious conflict.
2. Say what you need to say without over-explaining or over-apologizing.
3. Keep a log of your self-expression. You can do this by writing a quick note about what you did or said, and how others responded.

According to Dr. Mishel:

This first part is important because deliberate self-expression in low-stakes situations helps rewire the part of you that believes self-abandonment is the only way to stay safe. 

And when you keep a log of how people respond, you collect real-world evidence that self-expression isn’t dangerous. 

This is huge — because without that evidence, your system will keep reacting like self-expression is a threat, even though it’s not.

But before we move on to the second step, I have a gift for you.

If you’ve been feeling stuck or unsure what to do about people pleasing — overcoming it is possible; it just looks different for everyone.

So, if you want specific help with your situation, we offer free one-on-one sessions seven days a week that you can sign up for anytime.

Worst-case, you’ll walk away with a better understanding of how you can overcome the challenges you’re currently facing. 

Best case, we’ll match you with a mental health professional from our team who specializes in narcissistic abuse and can help you heal and move forward with your life.

You can learn more by clicking here, but for now let’s move on to the second part of this framework:

Part 2: Actively Building Self-Worth

The concept of “building self-worth” gets thrown around a lot — but what does it actually mean?

It’s not just about thinking positive thoughts or repeating affirmations.

It’s about proving to yourself — through small, consistent actions — that you matter, and that your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs have value.

To do this, the woman we’re working with did three things.

The first was self-commitment.

She made and kept small, realistic promises to herself — like going to bed on time, exercising three times a week, or cooking at home instead of eating out. 

The second was tracking evidence of her worth.

She kept a running list of her wins — things like saying no without over-explaining, asking someone to stop interrupting her, or reaching out for help when she needed it.

The third was choosing supportive environments.

She spent more time with people who made her feel capable, included, and respected — and stepped away from those who made her question her value.

If you’d like help coming up with self-worth building activities that are specific to you, open up Gemini or ChatGPT and use the following prompt:

“I want to start actively building my self-worth. Here’s a bit about me: [blank].

Based on this, what are some small, realistic actions I can take to begin proving to myself that I matter — and that my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs have value?”

Then, replace “[blank]” with information about your hobbies, interests, values, insecurities, strengths, weaknesses, and goals.

Dr. Mishel says:

This second part is important because people-pleasing is driven by the belief that your worth is dependent on keeping others happy.

That you have to earn love, acceptance, and respect by putting your own needs last. 

If, deep down, you still believe that, the changes you make through self-expression won’t last — because a big part of you will still feel uncomfortable. 

So building self-worth gives you the confidence and strength needed to push past that discomfort and consistently show up for yourself in meaningful ways.

Final Thoughts

These two parts, practicing self-expression and actively building self-worth, happen at the same time.

You don’t have to wait to finish one before starting the other.

But I wanted to walk you through them one at a time to make them easier to understand.

Also, when you’re practicing self-expression and building self-worth, there will still be moments when you slip back into people-pleasing.

It’s a normal part of healing — but it can make you feel like you’re right back at square one.

So in the next episode, I’ll walk you through a five-step framework a woman we’re working with uses to bounce back after she experiences a setback so you can use it too.

And I’ll link it below as soon as it’s posted.

Read Now: How to Overcome Setbacks In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Thank you for reading today’s episode of the Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse podcast. 

If this was helpful and you’d like to read the next one, please subscribe to our newsletter — we’ll let you know as soon as the next episode is released.

My name is Juliana Akin, your guide to overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse — and I can’t wait to connect with you in a future episode.

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