5 Reasons Not to Tell a Narcissist They’re a Narcissist

It is common for people experiencing narcissistic abuse to try to stop it by telling the narcissist they are a narcissist. 

You shouldn’t tell a narcissist that they’re a narcissist because the fragility of their ego makes it extremely unlikely that they’ll genuinely acknowledge, let alone accept, your perspective, and calling them out would only expose you to further abuse. 

In this article, I will guide you through five reasons that you shouldn’t call the narcissist in your life a narcissist and give you resources that you can use to remind yourself of the reasons you shouldn’t confront the narcissist.

1.) You Will Only Be Met with Defensiveness and Denial

First, you shouldn’t bother telling the narcissist in your life that they are a narcissist because you’ll only be met with defensiveness and denial.

You see, one of the key characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), is a heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism.

If you were to confront the narcissist in your life by bluntly calling them a narcissist, they will most likely react defensively or deny the claim outright. 

This is because narcissists have what researchers call fragile high self-esteem. 

Their feelings of self-worth are unstable, uncertain, and based on unrealistically positive self-views.

Suggested Reading: Do Narcissists Have Low Self-Esteem?

The only way that narcissists can maintain their unrealistically positive self-views is by having a consistent flow of narcissistic supply.

If you didn’t know already, narcissistic supply is the validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control that narcissists receive from their external environment. 

They use this supply to suppress the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions that they have about themselves so they can maintain their unrealistically positive self-views.

If you call them a narcissist, they will most likely react defensively or deny the claim outright to protect their unrealistically positive self-views from getting damaged. 

This could manifest as immediately refuting your claims, dismissing your feelings, or trying to gaslight you into believing that your perceptions are wrong. 

This defensiveness is often a barrier to any productive conversation about their abusive behavior and, unfortunately, makes calling the narcissist out futile.

2.) They Lack Self-Awareness

The second reason you shouldn’t tell a narcissist they are a narcissist is that they lack self-awareness.

In the previous section, I said that narcissists have fragile high self-esteem.

This means that their feelings of self-worth are unstable, uncertain, and based on unrealistically positive self-views.

But there’s another component of fragile high self-esteem that I left out so that I could speak about it in this section called self-deception. 

What am I talking about?

Well, the feelings of self-worth among those with fragile high self-esteem are based on unrealistically positive self-views and self-deception, which is allowing oneself to believe that a false or unvalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true.

In the narcissistic realm, this manifests as a grandiose sense of self-importance, another key component of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Grandiosity refers to a sense of specialness and self-importance, and it often causes narcissists to consider themselves more talented or intelligent than others.

Maintaining this unrealistically positive self-view is crucial to their emotional stability because it helps them protect themselves from the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions they work so hard to suppress.

Because of this, it is very common for them to lack self-awareness regarding their behavior and how it impacts others. 

Again, this is because they view themselves and their actions through a lens of self-importance, entitlement, and superiority. 

Even when confronted, they will most likely fail to acknowledge the validity of your perspective because they interpret their behavior as justified or even necessary rather than problematic to maintain their unrealistically positive self-views.

This limited capacity for self-reflection makes it difficult for narcissists to recognize and understand their narcissistic tendencies, which is another reason you shouldn’t bother telling them they are narcissists.

3.) Calling Them a Narcissist Could Potentially Escalate the Situation

The third reason you shouldn’t tell the narcissist in your life that they are a narcissist is because it could potentially escalate the situation.

What I mean by this is that they could become even more abusive.

The reason this is a possibility goes back to the painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions I’ve mentioned in the previous two sections. 

You see, despite their grandiose self-perception, narcissists struggle with feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak. 

But unfortunately, they are typically incapable of using healthy forms of emotional regulation to manage these thoughts, feelings, and emotions because they lack the emotional intelligence required to do so.

Instead, they rely on projection to manage their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Projection refers to a defense mechanism where individuals attribute unacceptable or unwanted thoughts, feelings, or characteristics to others.

Suggested Reading: Why Do Narcissists Use Projection?

If you tell a narcissist that they are a narcissist, all of their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions will get triggered. To manage them, they would most likely go into a narcissistic rage and try to use abuse to project them onto others.

When this happens, they are trying to make you feel as badly as they do so that they can figuratively point their finger at you and think, “I am not the one who is unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak; they are!”

This is a projection. 

And by projecting these unwanted aspects of themselves onto you, the narcissist can maintain a more positive self-image and avoid dealing with their inner conflicts.

So to wrap this section up, you shouldn’t tell the narcissist in your life that they are a narcissist because it could result in you experiencing a tremendous amount of abuse.

4.) A Confrontation Like This Gives Them an Opportunity to Manipulate You

The fourth reason you shouldn’t tell a narcissist that they are a narcissist is because it gives them an opportunity to manipulate you.

If you didn’t know already, the only way to protect yourself from narcissistic abuse is by restraining yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the narcissist.

Suggested Reading: How to Protect Yourself from a Narcissist (6 Strategies)

This could mean anything from going no contact to setting boundaries to limit your interactions with the narcissist in your life. 

But regardless of the approach, the point is to restrain yourself from engaging in a meaningful interaction with the narcissist. 

Now, when I say “meaningful interaction,” I am referring to any interaction that gives the narcissist access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs. 

If you were to engage in a conversation where you were trying to tell the narcissist in your life that they are a narcissist, this would be considered a meaningful interaction.

This is because telling the narcissist something like this would require you to open up about how their abuse has impacted you and/or your loved ones.

Sadly, instead of using this opportunity to step back and think about how they have hurt the people around them, the narcissist in your life is more likely to use this opportunity to invalidate, devalue, and dismiss your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

This can be an incredibly painful experienced and expose you to manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, baiting, narcissistic rage, and many others.

Suggested Reading: 8 Powerful Tactics That Narcissists Use to Control You

5.) It Is Very Unlikely That The Narcissist Will Change

The fifth reason you shouldn’t tell the narcissist in your life that they are a narcissist is that they are unlikely to change their behavior. 

To help you better understand why this is true, I have invited Elizabeth Miller, a psychotherapist from Ohio, onto this platform to explain why it is so unlikely that the narcissist in your life will change (video below).

What Should You Take Away from This Article?

You shouldn’t tell the narcissist in your life that they are a narcissist. Doing so will most likely expose you to further abuse.

References: