Flying Monkeys: What They Are and What They Do

When you’re dealing with a narcissist, they often enlist others to help them manipulate and control you. These people are known as flying monkeys.

A flying monkey is someone who a narcissist manipulates into helping them isolate, discredit, and silence another person.

Some of the most common ways they do this are:

• Spreading lies and gossip.
• Isolating you from friends and family.
• Gaslighting you to make you doubt your own reality.
• Spying on you and reporting back to the narcissist.
• Supporting the narcissist’s narrative, no matter how false it is.
• Applying pressure to get you to comply with the narcissist’s demands.
• Attacking your character to lower your self-esteem.
• Manipulating your emotions to keep you under control.

In this article, I’ll break down each of these tactics so you can better understand how flying monkeys operate and how to protect yourself from their influence.

1.) Spread Lies and Gossip

When someone spreads lies and gossip, they tell false stories or twist the truth to make you look bad, often in subtle ways that seem believable.

For instance, if a narcissist wants others to distrust you, they might have a flying monkey say something like, “I heard they can’t be trusted with money,” even if it’s completely untrue.¹

This type of gossip plants seeds of doubt in people’s minds, making them start to question your character without any real evidence.

Over time, as these lies circulate, more people begin to believe them, and your reputation suffers.

This can lead to you being excluded from social circles or treated with suspicion, all based on falsehoods that are difficult to disprove.

2.) Isolate You

Isolating you involves making you feel cut off from friends, family, or any support system, which leaves you vulnerable.

Flying monkeys contribute to this by subtly encouraging others to distance themselves from you, often by painting you in a negative light.²

For example, a flying monkey might say to mutual friends, “They’ve been really difficult to deal with lately; maybe it’s best to give her some space.”

Or a flying monkey might tell a friend of yours, “They’ve been saying harsh things about you behind your back,” even though it’s not true.

Over time, you might notice that your friends are drifting away or that your family seems more distant without fully understanding why.

This isolation makes you more vulnerable and easier for the narcissist to control, as you have fewer people to turn to for support or perspective.

Suggested Reading: 5 Ways That Narcissists Isolate You

3.) Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a tactic used to make you doubt your own memories, perceptions, or sanity, which gradually erodes your trust in yourself.³

Flying monkeys engage in gaslighting by constantly telling you that you’re overreacting, misremembering, or imagining things.

For example, if you bring up a hurtful comment the narcissist made, a flying monkey might say, “You’re just being too sensitive; that’s not what they meant at all.”

Over time, you start to question whether your feelings are valid or if you’re just being unreasonable.

This manipulation creates a deep sense of confusion, where you no longer trust your own mind.

As a result, you may start to rely on the narcissist or the flying monkeys to tell you what’s real, which gives the narcissist even more control over you.

Suggested Reading: 100 Common Gaslighting Phrases (Survey)

4.) Spy on You

Spying on you involves gathering information about you, often in secret, and reporting it back to the narcissist.

Flying monkeys do this by staying close to you, pretending to be concerned or friendly, while actually keeping an eye on your activities and personal life.⁴

For instance, a flying monkey might ask you seemingly innocent questions like, “How have you been spending your weekends lately?” or “Who have you been hanging out with?”

They then relay this information to the narcissist, who uses it to manipulate or control you further.

This spying can make you feel like you have no privacy as if someone is always watching you and using your own life against you.

You might start to feel paranoid or anxious, not knowing who you can trust, which plays directly into the narcissist’s hands by keeping you on edge and easier to control.

Suggested Reading: Why Do Narcissists Keep Tabs On You?

5.) Support the Narcissist’s Narrative

Supporting the narcissist’s narrative means backing up whatever story the narcissist is telling, regardless of whether it’s accurate or fair.⁵

Flying monkeys do this by agreeing with the narcissist’s version of events and spreading it to others, reinforcing the narcissist’s point of view.

For example, if the narcissist claims that you are the cause of all their relationship problems, a flying monkey might say to others, “Yeah, they’ve always been difficult to deal with; I’ve noticed that too.”

This kind of support makes the narcissist’s lies seem more believable because it’s coming from multiple sources.

You might then find yourself surrounded by people who all seem to believe the same false story, which can be incredibly isolating and confusing.

The more the narcissist’s narrative is supported, the more you begin to doubt your own perspective, making you more susceptible to the narcissist’s control.

6.) Apply Pressure

Applying pressure involves pushing you to behave in a way that benefits the narcissist, often by making you feel guilty, ashamed, or responsible for the situation.

Flying monkeys apply pressure by urging you to apologize, forgive, or give in to the narcissist’s demands, regardless of whether you are in the wrong.

For example, if you try to set boundaries with the narcissist, a flying monkey might say, “You’re being too harsh; you know how sensitive they are; maybe you should just let it go.”

This makes you feel like you’re being unreasonable or cruel, even when you’re simply trying to protect yourself.

As a result, you might cave in, apologizing or backing down just to ease the pressure and avoid further conflict.

This pressure ensures that the narcissist continues to get what they want, while your needs and boundaries are ignored or dismissed.

7.) Attack Your Character

Attacking your character involves criticizing and belittling you in a way that makes you feel unworthy or defective.

Flying monkeys do this by pointing out your flaws, exaggerating your mistakes, or questioning your integrity.⁶

For instance, a flying monkey might say things like, “You’re always so dramatic” or “You can’t handle anything without making a scene,” even if these statements aren’t factual.

This constant criticism wears down your self-esteem, making you start to believe that you really are flawed or unlovable.

Over time, you might begin to internalize these attacks, seeing yourself through the negative lens that the narcissist and flying monkeys have created.

This self-doubt makes it harder for you to stand up for yourself or recognize that you’re being treated unfairly, which is exactly what the narcissist wants.

8.) Manipulate Your Emotions

Manipulating your emotions involves playing on your feelings to control your behavior or keep you off balance.

Flying monkeys do this by using guilt, fear, or pity to make you act in a way that benefits the narcissist.⁷

For example, a flying monkey might say, “You know how much they care about you; it would crush them if you left,”making you feel guilty for considering ending the relationship.

Or they might say, “If you don’t forgive them, you’ll regret it later,” playing on your fear of making a mistake.

This emotional manipulation confuses you and makes you second-guess your own decisions, as you’re constantly being pushed and pulled by your feelings.

Over time, you might end up feeling trapped by your own emotions, unsure of what’s right or wrong, which keeps you stuck in the narcissist’s web.

Suggested Reading: 96 Manipulation Tactics Narcissists Use

Final Thoughts

Now that you know how flying monkeys operate, learning how to protect yourself from them is crucial. 

To help you get started, here’s a free course: How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist 

This course is led by Andre O’Donnell. 

He is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor from Washington State, and will give you a complete guide to setting boundaries with a narcissist and their enablers—including flying monkeys.

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