A question that many survivors of narcissistic abuse have is, “How are narcissists able to turn people I’ve known and trusted for years into flying monkeys?”
Narcissists get flying monkeys by spreading lies about you to your friends and family. These lies are believed because of how good narcissists are at maintaining a charming, charismatic, confident, and relatively pleasant public persona, while simultaneously subjecting you to insane levels of abuse.
This article is going to guide you through all of this so that you can grasp a comprehensive understanding of how narcissists get flying monkeys.
They Spread Lies About the People That They Abuse
As we mentioned earlier, narcissists get flying monkeys by spreading lies about the person that they are abusing. There isn’t much more to it than that.
However, the question most survivors of narcissistic abuse want answered is, “Why do the flying monkeys believe them?”
Well, in order to grasp a comprehensive understanding of this, we must take a look at the three types of flying monkeys that the lies that narcissists spread create.
The Lies Narcissists Tell Are Believable Because Their Ability to Maintain a Positive Public Persona
A persona is the image or personality that a person presents in public or in a specific setting—as opposed to their true self.
In this context, it means the personality that a narcissist presents in public and that they are known for by most people.
Unfortunately, the public persona that narcissists have often portrays them as charming, charismatic, confident, and relatively pleasant.
Because of this, those experiencing narcissistic abuse are often the only ones who know how abusive the narcissist really is.
Everyone else only sees the narcissist’s positive public persona.
This is why the lies that narcissists tell are so believable.
You see, after months, years, or even decades of experiencing narcissistic abuse, your mental and/or physical health is going to begin to deteriorate.
When this happens, your friends and family are going to notice.
But because of how good narcissists are at keeping you isolated, and subsequently, hiding their abuse, your friends and family aren’t going to know why.
So, when the charming, charismatic, confident, and relatively pleasant narcissist tells them lies about you, they believe them right away.
My mental health was atrocious. I was drinking more, because I felt so trapped. Nothing I did made it better, and truly felt there was no way out. I was suicidal and it showed. I did not take care of myself. At times I couldn’t eat or sleep. So I would either cry myself to sleep every night or drink until I passed out. Plus, I didn’t understand the manipulation that was happening, so I would constantly be trying to figure out what was happening. So basically, I was a crazy person and this made it so easy for him to turn people against me.
With all that being said, not all flying monkeys are created the same way.
Because of this, there are slightly different reasons that they believe the narcissist’s lies.
Recommended Article:
Our article “How Do Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys?“ goes through all of the sneaky ways that narcissist use flying monkeys to control you.
There Are Three Types of Flying Monkeys That the Lies Narcissists Spread Create
In this section of the article we are going to guide you through the three types of flying monkeys that narcissists create.
Having this information is important because as we hinted at before, the type of flying monkey that you are dealing with is going to dictate the reason that they believe the narcissist’s lies.
Forced Flying Monkey
These are flying monkeys who are created when a narcissist spreads lies about the person that they are abusing.
They believe the lies because they are scared of becoming the target of the narcissist’s abuse if they don’t.
For example, imagine that you come from a narcissistic family of origin.
You have two younger siblings, a narcissistic father, and a mother who is stuck in cognitive dissonance and enables your narcissistic father’s abuse.
One day, you decide that enough is enough and you leave the house.
Instead of supporting your decision to leave, your siblings stop speaking to you and your mother gaslights you into believing that you did something abusive.
Why do they do this?
Well, they still have to live with your narcissistic father. They are likely terrified of supporting you because of how much power and control he has over them.
Manipulated Flying Monkey
These are flying monkeys who are created when a narcissist spreads lies about the person that they are abusing.
They believe the lies because of how good narcissists are at maintaining a positive public persona.
A book called I Left My Toxic Relationship – Now What? and Heal From Your Narcissist Ex has a great example of a Manipulated Flying Monkey.
The book was written by our colleague Heather Kent, who is a Registered Psychotherapist and Canadian Certified Counsellor from Nova Scotia, Canada.
Here is a quote from her book:
I ended up kissing a male friend who I confided in about what was going on. It was a low point for me, and obviously not a good decision, and it is a moment that I still regret.
However, when Mike found out about it, he went ballistic (and conveniently dismissed any of the previous cheating and full-on secret relationships that he had with other women while we were dating).
I felt incredibly guilty, because I did this when we were married. He secretly called my family, who were all in Florida at the time, and told them that I had gone crazy, that I was cheating on him with multiple men, that he had proof, and that I needed psychiatric help.
Of course, my family had no idea that what he was saying were lies and manipulation, so they were all beside themselves thinking that I had had a nervous breakdown.
My mother and my sister wouldn’t talk to me, and my dad told me that I had to get serious help and be a better wife. I had no idea where this was coming from, or what
Mike had said to them – in my head, this was all because of the kiss. Meanwhile, they thought that I had lost my mind and was now a cheating nymphomaniac.
Natural Flying Monkey
These are flying monkeys who a narcissist creates by spreading lies about the person that they are abusing.
They believe the lies because they enjoy drama and/or being abusive towards others.
For example, imagine that you work at a company and have a narcissistic boss and a flying monkey who targets you.
The flying monkey doesn’t believe the narcissist’s lies about you and they aren’t really scared of losing their job.
They target you simply because they enjoy it. This would be considered a Natural Flying Monkey.
What Should You Take Away From This Article?
Generally speaking, narcissists get flying monkeys by spreading lies about you to your friends and family.
These lies are believed because of how good narcissists are at maintaining a positive public persona while simultaneously subjecting you to intense levels of abuse.
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Disclaimer
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case.
References:
Vickie Howard (2019) Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice, Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40:8, 644-654, DOI: 10.1080/01612840.2019.1590485