How Do You Get Through the Discard Phase? (6 Steps)

Being discarded by a narcissist can feel overwhelming, but it’s also an opportunity to take back control of your life. 

So, how should you respond to a narcissist’s discard? 

The key steps involve:

• Educating yourself about narcissistic abuse.
• Radically accepting the discard.
• Setting firm boundaries.
• Healing and emotional detachment.
• Surrounding yourself with supportive people.
• Staying vigilant against hoovering attempts.

In this article, I will guide you through each of these steps to help you protect yourself and move forward toward healing.

1.) Educate Yourself About Narcissistic Abuse

Learning about narcissistic abuse is the first step because you need to understand what happened to you and why. 

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you experience abuse, but without knowing what narcissistic abuse is, you might blame yourself or not realize the abuse even happened. 

Education helps you see their manipulative patterns clearly and gives you the knowledge to stop being affected by them.¹ 

It also helps you recognize that the discard, while painful, is just part of how a narcissist operates, not a reflection of your worth.

By understanding their tactics, you can see that their behavior is about controlling and using you, not about love or care.

2.) Radically Accept the Discard

Radical acceptance means fully acknowledging that you cannot change the present facts, even if you don’t like them.² 

In this case, it means accepting that the narcissist in your life is manipulative and abusive and that their discard of you isn’t a reflection of your worth.

It’s simply part of the narcissistic abuse cycle. 

By recognizing that the discard is not about you but about their need for control, you create space for all the other work that needs to be done. 

This includes setting boundaries, healing, surrounding yourself with safe and supportive people, and staying vigilant against hoovering attempts. 

This is crucial because it allows you to focus on keeping the narcissist out of your life for good and rebuilding your emotional and mental well-being.

3.) Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for protecting yourself from further manipulation and preventing the narcissist from re-entering your life.

That’s right…

They will most likely try to come back after the discard because they feel entitled to maintaining power and control over the people they abuse. 

So, it’s essential to set both internal and external boundaries. 

Internal boundaries are your inner voice’s ability to clearly formulate and stay true to your values and who you are.³

External boundaries are the rules or limits that you set with others to protect your personal space, time, and emotional well-being. 

Without both of them, the narcissist can disrupt your recovery and undermine your efforts to surround yourself with safe, supportive people. 

Free Course: How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist

4.) Healing and Emotional Detachment

Once you’ve accepted the discard and set boundaries, the next focus is healing and emotionally detaching from the narcissist. 

Emotional detachment means gradually separating your feelings and thoughts from the narcissist so they no longer have control over you.⁴ 

It’s important to understand that this can take time, and healing doesn’t happen all at once.

It’s a process of reclaiming your identity and self-worth, which was most likely damaged during the relationship. 

Part of healing is also allowing yourself to process your feelings. You might feel hurt, anger, confusion, or sadness, and that’s normal. 

Working through these emotions with a mental health professional helps you recover from the psychological effects of narcissistic abuse. 

As you heal, you’ll begin to feel more in control of your own emotions and less tied to the narcissist’s manipulations.

5.) Surround Yourself with Safe, Supportive People

As you work on healing, it’s crucial to surround yourself with safe, supportive people who can help you through the process. 

These are people who understand what you’ve been through and respect your need for healing and boundaries. 

Supportive friends, family, or even support groups can provide emotional encouragement and help you feel less alone.

This is important because narcissistic abuse can leave you feeling isolated, and having a solid support system makes a massive difference in your recovery.⁵ 

The people you choose to be around should make you feel safe, heard, and respected. 

It’s about creating an environment where you can heal without judgment, and others are willing to reinforce your boundaries if necessary.

Suggested Reading: Identifying Your Supporters Checklist

6.) Stay Vigilant Against Hoovering Attempts

While healing and building a support system, you must stay vigilant against hoovering attempts. 

Hoovering is when the narcissist tries to suck you back into their life, often by pretending to change, offering apologies, issuing threats, or making false promises.⁶ 

Narcissists do this because they feel entitled to maintain power and control over you, even after they’ve discarded you. 

Understanding this helps you avoid falling back into the abuse cycle. 

This is why setting and maintaining your boundaries is so important—it protects your progress in healing and rebuilding your life.

Now, the narcissist may try to test those boundaries, but with support and awareness, you can stay strong and keep them out of your life for good.

Suggested Reading: How Do Narcissists Try to Win You Back? (12 Ways)

Final Thoughts

All of these steps—education, acceptance, boundaries, healing, surrounding yourself with safe people, and staying vigilant—often happen simultaneously. 

Together, they help you take back your power, protect yourself from further abuse, and start the process of emotional recovery. 

By working through these steps, you create the foundation for a healthier, stronger future, free from the control of the narcissist.

SAVE ME

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