If you have a narcissist in your life, one of the best things you can do to protect yourself is to understand the five key things narcissists want:
- Validation
- Admiration
- Reassurance
- Power
- Control
This is because it gives you the information you need to make sense of your experiences, see through their manipulative tactics, and eventually break free from their grasp.
So, in this article, I’ll guide you through these five desires and show you how they shape narcissistic behavior.
1.) Validation
Validation refers to the act of confirming something as true or correct.
Deep down, narcissists feel unlovable, unwanted, inadequate, worthless, and weak.
Because they can’t handle these painful thoughts and feelings healthily, they develop a grandiose self-image to suppress them.1
Narcissists rely on the validation of others to keep this inflated self-image intact.
By receiving validation—whether through praise or agreement—they can continue to believe in their exaggerated sense of self.
Suggested Reading: How Do Narcissists See Themselves?
2.) Admiration
Admiration means to feel respect and approval for someone or something.
The painful feelings of being unlovable, inadequate, and worthless are so powerful that they constantly threaten the narcissist’s grandiose self-image.
To protect it, narcissists need admiration a combination of validation and admiration because it essentially lifts their self-image out of harm’s way.2
When others admire them, it reinforces their belief that they are not only worthy but superior to others.
This admiration helps them push aside the feelings of inadequacy and keeps their inflated sense of self safe from being challenged.
Suggested Reading: Why Do Narcissists Want to be Admired and Praised?
3.) Reassurance
Reassurance is the action of removing someone’s doubts or fears.
Even with validation and admiration, narcissists constantly need reassurance.
First, they need reassurance to convince themselves that they aren’t living a lie—that their grandiose self-image is real.3
Second, they need to be reassured that they aren’t at risk of being exposed to others as living a false life.
The constant threat of being “found out” terrifies them.
Reassurance serves as a way to calm their fears and helps them maintain the illusion of their inflated self-image.
4.) Power
In this context, power refers to the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events.
Remember, deep down, narcissists feel inadequate and weak.
So, in their minds, if they can direct or influence the behavior of others or control events, they believe they couldn’t possibly be those things.
Power becomes a way for them to prove they are strong and capable.
By exerting power, they receive an extreme form of validation and reassurance, reinforcing their grandiose self-image.4
The more power they have, the more they convince themselves that their true feelings of weakness and insecurity don’t exist.
Power allows them to keep avoiding the painful reality of their deeply insecure inner self.
5.) Control
In this context, control refers to the ability to influence, manage, or regulate the physical, social, or psychological conditions of one’s immediate surroundings.
The unhealthy tactics narcissists use to manage their internal insecurities leave them feeling unstable and constantly on the brink of collapse.
Their grandiose self-image is fragile, and they’re always suppressing deep feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
To manage this inner chaos, seek control over their surroundings because it allows them to create a false sense of stability.5
This sense of stability helps them hold off the collapse of their inner world just long enough to get through their daily interactions.
Suggested Reading: 8 Powerful Tactics That Narcissists Use to Control You
Conclusion
Dealing with a narcissist can be overwhelming, but understanding their core desires—validation, admiration, reassurance, power, and control—gives you a lot of control over your reality.
If I were you, I would dive deeper into learning about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, while also developing strategies to set strong boundaries with the narcissist in your life.
This knowledge is crucial for taking meaningful steps toward a life free from the effects of narcissistic abuse that reflects who you truly want to be.
To help you get started, here are two free courses we created to help you do this:
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About the Author
Hey, I’m Elijah.
I experienced narcissistic abuse for several years and was shocked by just how common it is. I create these articles to spread awareness.
But I’m not alone—there are many others here at Unfilteredd, all dedicated to helping people like you live a life free from the effects of narcissistic abuse.
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